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Okay everybody knows I’m not a soccer guy, but having said that this shit is getting embarrassing. Like if Americans are going to act like we care about the World Cup than we got to step it up. I mean getting knocked out by Ghana again? Cmon bro. What does Ghana have  like 14 people in the country?   Seriously how the fuck can they be better than us at anything? Obviously the answer is because soccer is a rich preppy boy sport in this country.   The guys on our World Cup team are guys that got cut from their JV baseball, football and basketball teams so they were  reduced to played soccer. That’s why 3rd world countries like Ghana can beat the shit out of us.   It’s like playing our National chess team or something.

But don’t fret my friends because the Pres has a solution. Effective immediately I want to become the head of the US Soccer Federation. My first move will be to fire all the pretty boys on the team and send them back to whatever country club they came from. Next I will hand pick the following 14 guys to join me in Dorchester for 4 years of intensive soccer training. I don’t care whether any of these guys have ever played soccer before or even seen a soccer ball before in their lives. This is all they will do for 4 straight years. Eat, breath and shit soccer. And I promise you that by the time the 2014 World Cup rolls around I will have built the most dominant, most devastating, most awesome soccer force this world has ever seen. We won’t just win the world cup. We’ll win it for fun. I’m talking 5 and 6 goal blowouts every game. I promise you we’ll run shit just like we do in every sport we try at.  So without further ado here is your 2014 World Cup Champions..Anybody who doesn’t think we’d win is delusional.

2014 World Cup Roster

Rajon Rondo
Jacoby Ellsbury
Wes Welker
Chris Johnson
Adrian Peterson
Steve Smith
Larry Fitzgerald
Derell Revis
Lebron James
Carl Crawford
Jimmy Rollins
Grady Sizemore
Ty Lawson
Reggie Bush

Goalie – Dwight Howard

When’s the parade?