I was talking to KFC this morning about one night stands because we’re neanderthals and can only converse if the convo revolves around sex, sports or drinking. Pretty much a walking Bud Light commercial. But as the discussion got more intellectual we went into hypotheticals with “who would your dream one night stand be?” I said mine is hands down P!nk. Naturally, like the coward he is, KFC copped out ans said “oh I have no idea.” Just sitting on the fence like it’s an ivory tower and calling me an idiot for my choice while he remains scared to pick one.

Look laugh all you want but P!nk is the only logical answer. I’ve been saying this since high school when I read an article in Rolling Stone and she said she loves to give sloppy blowjobs. I don’t want to date P!nk or buy her brunch in the morning or let her wear my high school sweatshirt. You know what I want for one night? I want a girl I’m literally scared might kill me. I want her to use my body like it’s hung up in Rocky’s meat cooler. You don’t go to some pin-up model for that. As weird as it is to say, hot chicks are a dime a dozen. Not gonna use my dream one night stand on some prissy centerfold who doesn’t know fucking from making love. Plus one night stands are pretty much done for the story. Your buddies aren’t looking to hear “she was wicked hot” the next morning. They want to hear about you getting thrown around like a Raggedy Andy doll. Real carnal type stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I’m man enough to admit that P!nk isn’t a 10. But what are we talking about here? We’re not talking about marriage. We’re not talking about dating. We’re talking about fucking. When you want to fuck you look for the chick with the crazy haircut and piercings and is covered in tattoos. P!nk is basically Robert Horry, she isn’t the prettiest or flashiest player in the league. But I don’t want her for her career. Don’t even want her for a season. I want her for crunch time.