So unless you’ve been living in a cave according to the Mayans the world is going to end tonight. Naturally this got the office talking about what our biggest regrets would be. So without further ado here they are.
10.Never Having Sex With Viagra (Pres)
I’ve always been curious with this. Can you just fuck forever with Viagra? Like you have an orgasm and you just keep going like you didn’t? Is that how it works? I think it is right? Must be wild.
9. Never Fucking A Squirter (Feits)
Hugely important that the world ends immediately after. The only reason I’ve never fucked a squirter to this point is because 1. I can’t make a girl orgasm and 2. I would never want to deal with cleaning up the lady cum all over my bedsheets. Basically like dumping a water cooler on your bed. If I’m banging a squirter and the world isn’t about to end I’d need to dress my room up like Dexter and wear a Long John Silver raincoat.
8. Never Making Love (Feits)
Just to see what it’s like. Throw on some 80’s ballads and get passionate all up in this pre-apocalyptic bitch. Romance to the max. I’m sure making love is a lot like holding hands: cute and nice for a second before it becomes boring and wildly inconvenient. But still, it looks cool in movies so I’d at least like to say I tried it.
7. Never Having A Chick Lick My Ass (Feits)
Have people noticed this is practically standard procedure in porn now? Chick is giving head then she’s sucking balls then next thing you know, bang, she’s eating his ass. I’d be a fool not to try it if they’re doing it. It’s like when you were a kid and you knew the best way to wear your equipment was the way pros did it. I wore my hat backwards because of Griffey, rolled my jersey above my elbow pads because of Bure, and I’ll get my ass eaten because of James Deen.
Plus I used a bidet once when I was a kid and it didn’t suck.
6. Never Joining The Mile High Club (Pres)
I know it’s so cliché but that’s not a reason not to do it right? And I’m not talking about walking into the bathroom and having the worst sex of your life either. That’s nasty. Bouncing all around in that germ infested bathrroom with the blue water splashing everywhere. No thanks. I’m just talking a simple handjob or blowjob underneath the jet Blue Arm & Hammer blanket
5. Never Giving A Girl The Pirate (Feits)
Do people remember this one? You cum in a girl’s eye then kick her in the shin so she hops around the room covering her eye. Hysterical. There’s really nothing deeper than that. I just think it would be LOL City, population: me if that’s what was going down in my bedroom. If we’ve already had sex then a girl is just gonna annoy me until the end of time so I might as well create my own humor. Just hope I could pull off the pop shot. I’m not Peter North, after all. Maybe I’ll sit on a bag of frozen peas first. Everyone knows if you sit on a bag of frozen peas before sex you can fire cum across the room.
4. Never Making An Awesome Sex Tape (Pres)
The key here is I don’t just want to make a sex tape. I’m talking an awesome sex tape. Not one where I’m fucking an ugly chick and last 3 seconds. What fun is that? I’m talking about one where I’m banging an absolute smoke and just giving her the fuck of a lifetime. Like mean mugging it for the camera and shit. Face palming her. The works. Obviously it’s never going to happen even if the world doesn’t end, because I’m horrible at sex but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t hire a body double to do it. It would serve the same purpose right? I mean once you start leaking that shit out to the public. smokes will be beating down my door looking to get laid. By the time they figure out it wasn’t me I’ll be limp dicked and half way to Mexico.
3. Never Fucking A Virgin (Pres)
Everybody wants to do this right? It’s just built into the DNA of man. It’s like being the first to step on the moon or going West in the old days. There is just something primal about it. Like yes. I stuck my flag in this chick’s vagina first. Therefore I own her for life.
2. Never Superman’ing a Ho (Pres)
I’m pretty sure this is an urban myth, but honestly if I ever successfully shot my load on a chick’s back and the sheet stuck to her like a cape I could die tomorrow. Take me away Mayan Apocalypse because my job on earth is done here. Yes. Yes the reason that chick is wearing a sheet as a cape is because my cum is stuck to her. I WIN.
1. Never Fucking An Asian (Pres)
If I had a nickel for everytime I said this I’d be rich. I love Asian chicks, but I’ve never fucked one. Yeah I don’t know how that’s possible, but it is. I think The First Lady would probably let me too because she knows how bad I want to try it. I’ve been obsessed with Asians ever since an old smokeshow told me the reasons Asian fuck so good is because they have an extra clit muscle that makes their box tighter. Kind of like why black people don’t play hockey. Because they have an extra bone in their back that breaks when they skate over the blue line.
What did we miss? I know what you’re thinking. Anal, threesome blah, blah, blah. Been there done that.