Yesterday an angel appeared. I heard the song “what if god was one of us” playing in my head as I saw him for the first time. Feitelberg. In the flesh… he walked out to the street where I had been waiting for my interview, gave me a weird look and then went back inside without saying a word. I gave him a chance and a flirty wave and he slammed me down. Needless to say my heart was broken—but I’m not one to quit. Prince Charming (Sales Guy) finally let into the office, I was immediately aroused and tempted to ask if I could use the bathroom to spank my act together. I found myself surrounded in a glowingly raunchy office by Skoal tins, pictures of half naked broads, and super-soakers…I felt at home. There was even a little table I could see myself making the boys sandwiches on.

Feitelberg is so yesterday. As much as his alluring looks melt me, I’m a personality gal. So clearly Pres is spot on when he says I’ve switched teams, BUT he is wrong regarding the team I’m on. Team Sales Guy forever. I’m forever grateful to him for his kindness, firm no-nonsense handshake and direct eye contact, (he even offered me some water). Basically he is a fucking machine. That’s right Paul; it’s all you baby.

Pres told me people would tear me to pieces and I told him how excited I was to see what the Stoolies had but so far you guys have been pretty weak; if you’re gonna come at me bro, I want a hardcore smackdown not some pansyass comments on my appearance. Come on now, you think I haven’t heard that shit already? Hardly original saying you want to tonguepunch my farthole. I take that shit as a compliment douchelords.

So hear me out, I’m here and I’m here to stay. I’ve been warned that everyone I’ve ever hooked up with will “come crawling out of the woodwork” and Pres’ not too off base. I’ve gotten A LOT of texts asking how I’m doing and if I want to come over and catch up… Sales Guy, I guess they just don’t understand we’re nearly official. Next, people saying I have STD’s that aren’t invented are correct. I’ll start that rumor for myself. I have invented cum-lydia, fuck-my-face-illis, and spank-my-ass-I-like-it-rough-orreah; all awesome diseases that are highly contagious. The side affects include; explosive ejaculation, boner-izing in inappropriate places, and chronic horniness. The only prescription. More Cowbell.

Thank you and Good day Stoolies.