Siberia – Siberian psychologists claim they are helping drug, drink or sex addicts kick their habits by literally beating it out of them with corporal punishment. The painful treatment, which involves lashing addicts on the buttocks, could help cure drug-users such as Pete Doherty or anyone who has failed with other methods, its practitioners claim. However, ‘the reaction of most people is predictable: to snigger, scoff or make jokes loaded with sexual innuendo,’ said The Siberian Times, which watched two patients undergo the ‘therapy’.  One, Natasha, 22, a recovering heroin addict from Novosibirsk, insisted: ‘I am the proof that this controversial treatment works, and I recommend it to anyone suffering from an addiction or depression. ’It hurts like crazy – but it’s given me back my life. Without it I seriously believe I would now be dead.’ Dr German Pilipenko and fellow practitioner Professor Marina Chukhrova insist their novel treatment is grounded in sound scientific principles.’We cane the patients on the buttocks with a clear and definite medical purpose – it is not some warped sado-masochistic activity,’ said Professor Chukhrova. The pair claim addicts suffer from a lack of endorphins – often known as ‘happiness hormones’. The acute pain of the corporal punishment they dish out stimulates the brain to release endorphins into the body ‘making patients feel happier in their own skins’. ’The caning counteracts a lack of enthusiasm for life which is often behind addictions, suicidal tendencies and psychosomatic disorders,’ said Dr Pilipenko.

So for about the past month I’ve been trying to quit cigarettes. I realized they were bad for you when I woke up one morning super hungover and coughed up a big black ball of tar. I was like well maybe I should quit because coughing up balls of tar ain’t no picnic. I tried to go cold turkey. Nope. Every time I smelled coffee or had a sip of alcohol I was running to get a pack. Then I tried those e-cigarettes which are actually pretty good until once again, I was drunk and just said fuck it and bought a real pack. Look at this point I’ll try anything and maybe this Siberian corporal punishment thing is just what I need. Obviously I’d need a female dominatrix because having a guy do it would be super gay. But I mean if heroin addicts are getting cured from it then it’ll definitely kick my nicotine addiction right? Take a bunch of lashings to the ass in exchange for freedom from my tobacco dependency? Why not. Would also be good if it came with a happy ending but let’s focus on one addiction at a time.