In Honor Of John Daly Setting the Record Straight That He’s Not Gay Here is My “Alltime Not Gay” Team
So Feitleburg blogged this morning about the BBC accidentally called John Daly gay getting him confused with British Swimmer Tom Daly. Honestly not sure you can make a bigger mistake. Because if I’m making a list of my top 10 NOT GAY athletes John Daly is on it. Who else? Well glad you asked because here it is. My all time Top 10 Not Gay list.
10. Shawn Thornton
I’m pretty sure it’s a rule that hockey enforcers can’t be gay. Especially when they look like they’ve never stepped outside of Southie in their lives.
9. Bobby Huggins/Frank Martin
I couldn’t decide which of these two college hoop coaches were less gay so I just counted it as a tie.
8. Rod “Shooter” Beck
The guy lived in a trailer in the outfield of his minor league team and drank Coors Lights with fans after the game. Gay guys don’t do that.
7. Brian Cardinal AKA The Custodian
Couple things that made Brian Cardinal super straight. The fact he was balding in college. The fact he wore knee pads. And the fact his only real skill was diving on the floor for loose balls. Straight, straight, straight.
PS – Gene Keady is pretty not gay too.
6. Mike Schmidt
To be honest I don’t even know why I thought of Schmidt. He just popped into my head and I was like that is one hetero looking motherfucker.
5. Cam Neely
So straight. Just is. Not only because of the way he played the game or even his intensity in the GM Box either. Just no way a gay guy could play Seabass like he did. Not a chance.
I don’t think in the history of gayballs there has ever been a gayball meathead. It’s impossible. Gronk likes girls, video games, partying and working out. It’s like the holy grail of being straight.
3. John Kruk
You take one look at John Kruk at any moment in his life and you know he farts loudly and without remorse. He tells inappropriate jokes at inappropriate times. He has no couth and pays for sex. Straight city.
2 John Daly
I think John Daly said it best. The only time he’s been in a closet is with a couple Hooters girls. Guy is the anti gay. He’s a fat, chain smoking, badly dressed alcoholic. But you know what the real give away is? He has no short game. Like I don’t know if there are any gayball golfers but I guarantee you they got a great short game and can’t hit it 200 yards off the tee. The exact opposite of John Daly. Straight guys bomb it off the tee and then it takes them 10 shots to close it out from 100 yards in.
1. Mike Ditka
I’d say there is a 75% chance Mike Ditka still doesn’t even believe that gay people exist or at the very least he is unfamiliar with the concept of being gay. Like if you told him a guy liked dudes over girls he’d probably just say take him to “fist city” and that would fix him. I honestly believe that.
All Not Gay Honorable Mention – Dustin Pedroia, Trot Nixon, Larry Bird, Mickey Mantle, John Lackey