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India’s cricketers at the Champions Trophy in South Africa are being encouraged by their coach to have sex to boost their on-field performance, a newspaper reported on Wednesday. The benefits of sex feature prominently in a secret document circulated among players by coach Gary Kirsten and mental conditioning expert Paddy Upton…the relevant chapter was headlined “Does sex increase performance?”. “Yes it does, so go ahead and indulge,” the document said, before detailing the benefits of a good sex life and even suggesting “going solo” if no partners were available. “From a physiological perspective, having sex increases testosterone levels, which cause an increase in strength, energy, aggression and competitiveness,” the document said. “Conversely, not having sex for a period of a few months causes a significant drop in testosterone levels in both males and females, with the corresponding passiveness and decrease in aggression.” …If you want sex but do not have someone to share it with, one option is to go solo whilst imagining you have a partner, or a few partners, who are as beautiful as you wish to imagine,” the document said.

As much as I respect the fine people of India for all the countless hours of tech support they’ve given me over the years, this is utterly preposterous.  I thought these people were supposed to be smart.  But how can you be if you think sex before a game will help you win?  I get the scientific theory they’re espousing here.  But still this flies in the face of everything we’ve ever been taught.  What did Mick tell Rocky?  “Women weaking legs.”  What happened when George Costanza stopped thinking about sex?  He became a genius.  Our whole American culture is rooted in the notion that you can’t think about sex and something else at the same time.  If these Indian cricket coaches turn out to be right, then I’ll have passed up sex before countless events… Barstool bowling nights, comedy shows, touch football games, Fantasy Football drafts, golf tournaments, Little League tryouts… for no good reason.  It would be a tragedy of epic proportions.  Fortunately India sucks at every sport so I think I’m in the clear.