(DM) — An Indonesian mother was so concerned that her nine-year-old son’s small penis would ruin his life that she drowned him in the bath. Police in the capital Jakarta said today that the woman, 38, told them her son had a small penis before he was circumcised but that it was even smaller after the operation. Spokesman Rikwanto said the mother believed the boy would have a ‘bleak future’ because of the size of his genitalia.

Listen while this mother may be a monster who doesn’t understand human physiology and the way puberty works, she ain’t wrong. Little Dick Syndrome is a life ruiner. Take it from me. There have been countless (the twice, basically) during sex where I thought my life was ruined. Thought the chick would run around town like Paul Revere yelling “Feits’ little dick is cumming! Feits’ little dick is cumming!” and I’d never be able to show my face again. Just sat there wishing my mom had taken my Captain Planet floaties off and thrown me in the deep end so I could sink into the abyss, unnoticed, like a little dick in a vagina. So yeah what this mom did was fucked up. But at the same time she saved the kid from a lifetime of bathing suit showers, trying to get his boxers on under his towel without falling, and paid porn subscriptions. That’s not much of a life anyway, now is it?