iPhone App Measures Your Dick And Suggests The Perfect Condom
Huff – Siri, do I need a Magnum? That’s a question that your iPhone can now answer for you, thanks to a new prophylactic suggestion and safe-sex education app called Condom Size. Condom Size’s main function is getting an accurate measurement of both the length and girth of the male genitalia in order to identify the best condom for that man. In order to get that measurement, the app asks the man to hold his erect member up against the edge of the iPhone and use the inch or centimeter markings to obtain an accurate lengthwise appraisal. After you enter your length and girth measurements, the app recommends a condom, as well as your own “world ranking” (how you compare to the average international length and girth). From there, you can view a chart of different condoms and purchase them on Amazon, read a few condom tips or enjoy some fun condom facts. The app, a disclaimer urges upon startup, is for entertainment purposes only, and the team behind the program doesn’t appear to have any sort of medical credentials behind it; Condom Size’s official webpage does feature some extended information, though all of it appears to have been copied from the “Human Penis Size” Wikipedia page.
Every guy who has been mildly successful with girls knows the exact condom that works best. It’s called no condom and it’s free. Don’t need to mash your dick into your iPhone to figure that out.
But sometimes you’re forced to wear a condom because otherwise she won’t let you slide it in or you don’t want your DNA left on the crime scene or whatever. In my experience, basic is best. Just regular Trojan Lubricated. The teal colored ones. Don’t fuck around with the Fire & Ice bullshit because your dick will go numb and start burning. All the other fancy shit isn’t worth it. Oh and having a Magnum peek out of your wallet at the right moment is never a bad move either. I’ll never get to actually use one though…
But what’s funny to me is that you know some uber squids will definitely use this app to research their cock size so they can get the right condom before they fuck. Want everything to be perfect and in order. Same type of guys who fan the magazines out on their coffee table. Real weirdos. So if you know any of those guys then I wouldn’t borrow their iPhone because it’ll basically be like rubbing their dick on your face.
no condom use since my girl went on the pill, but the ecstasy condoms were my first choice back then
Don’t be a fag like your boss by saying squids
Magazine fanners are lunatics
JMac, you have a needledick
Cue all the idiots asking what a condom is.
i like to cut the first 2 inches off my tape measure and then measure in front of people.
I heard Renee prefers 1.5″ chodes, which doesn’t fit properly into any condoms. Pres delivered.
Saturday morning when PORTNOSE went to the lobby desk at the Parke Hotel, the desk clerk mentioned that Renee had already obtained her key and was waiting in the room. Portnose was scared but pleased that she showed up. In the elevator he began to wonder if he should have been so bold about expecting sex. What if she is too old or even worse, too young? What if she is unattractive? He quickly dispelled the latter because she had mentioned in one of her letters that she had seen him looking at her body.
When he opened the door to the hotel room and stepped in he could detect a hint of her perfume. Damn! Shalimar, his favorite. He knew someone who wore that all the time. He stepped into the living room and his suspicion was confirmed Renee was already on her knees sucking off a 1,300 pound horses gigantic erection. The nearly 14 ounces of horse cum was flowing from her mouth like a fountain.
Saturday morning when PORTNOSE went to the lobby desk at the Parke Hotel, the desk clerk mentioned that Renee had already obtained her key and was waiting in the room. Portnose was scared but pleased that she showed up. In the elevator he began to wonder if he should have been so bold about expecting sex. What if she is too old or even worse, too young? What if she is unattractive? He quickly dispelled the latter because she had mentioned in one of her letters that she had seen him looking at her body.
When he opened the door to the hotel room and stepped in he could detect a hint of her perfume. Damn! Shalimar, his favorite. He knew someone who wore that all the time. He stepped into the living room and his suspicion was confirmed Renee was already on her knees sucking off a 1,300 pound horses gigantic erection. The nearly 14 ounces of horse cum was flowing from her mouth like a fountain.
I don’t understand, aren’t iPhones like 4 inches long?
Just what I want to do, push my iPhone up against my raging erection. I swear to fucking god these iPhone app makers are reading my god damn mind. Maybe they’ll develop one next that plays “the song that never ends” for 24 hours straight and you can’t turn it off.
what the fuck is wrong with this guy above me, your a sick fuck with these horse fantasies
@hasabush: You’re a fuckin’ weirdo man. Can’t believe you’re taking this much time out of your World of Warcraft session to post on this site.
gonna be hilarious when idiots all do this and then apple’s hard drive where they saved everyone’s dick sizes get hacked
@hasabush for the love of god just kill yourself. You’re not funny. Stop trying.
People seriously put their dicks where they put their faces?
…well on their phones, it’s cool if it’s a chick’s snatch…
I think reneeportnosehasabush might use this app to measure horse dicks
Beast it’s called a vagina bro
So basically this useless app is a 5 inch ruler. Slightly worse than a 7 inch protractor i used in 8th grade. Just use a fucking ruler so you don’t have to mark the spot on your dick when measuring.
You know how I know you’re gay? You know the color teal, aka to the bros “blue-green”.
So does this mean that my droid won’t talk to me about my dick? This is horse shit.
True fact for all you condom-wearers out there: Magnums are longer, not really wider. Was always freaked out about picking up a gym sock for my dork when the tealies wouldn’t roll all the way down. But it’s ok, the mags give you an extra two inches or so of length so that shit goes to the base. Still feel like an asshole for pulling out the mags and watching the girls face drop when I don’t pull out a moose dong along with it though.
Stupid idea. I don’t need a condom for my “Renee” mold of the Fleshlight.
The app just crashed on my iPhone because there wasn’t enough bandwidth…
Rape culture bro.
Renee uses this to measure her 6 inch clit.
My roommates fans out the mags- I used his iPhone last week too. Maybe why that’s my beard has been itching thanks to mr iPhone 5 crabs app
I went to the store the other day to buy condoms. I haven’t needed them for years. I was extremely confused looking at Kygn’s, Skyn’s, Fire and Ice, Double extreme pleasure. I felt like McFly when he said “Cubs win World Series??” in Back to the Future 2.
your member
Regular Trojan lubricated might work for you, JMac, but I only fuck magnums.
The funniest part of this is… somewhere some jack-off is going to rub his dick all over his iPhone, and “use this app” and then make a phone call, without washing the phone. The developer of the app is laughing his ass off right now. Wish I thought of it.
long and thin goes right in but doesnt please the ladies. short and thick does the trick, and gives bald headed babies