Huff – Siri, do I need a Magnum? That’s a question that your iPhone can now answer for you, thanks to a new prophylactic suggestion and safe-sex education app called Condom Size. Condom Size’s main function is getting an accurate measurement of both the length and girth of the male genitalia in order to identify the best condom for that man. In order to get that measurement, the app asks the man to hold his erect member up against the edge of the iPhone and use the inch or centimeter markings to obtain an accurate lengthwise appraisal. After you enter your length and girth measurements, the app recommends a condom, as well as your own “world ranking” (how you compare to the average international length and girth). From there, you can view a chart of different condoms and purchase them on Amazon, read a few condom tips or enjoy some fun condom facts. The app, a disclaimer urges upon startup, is for entertainment purposes only, and the team behind the program doesn’t appear to have any sort of medical credentials behind it; Condom Size’s official webpage does feature some extended information, though all of it appears to have been copied from the “Human Penis Size” Wikipedia page.
Every guy who has been mildly successful with girls knows the exact condom that works best. It’s called no condom and it’s free. Don’t need to mash your dick into your iPhone to figure that out.
But sometimes you’re forced to wear a condom because otherwise she won’t let you slide it in or you don’t want your DNA left on the crime scene or whatever. In my experience, basic is best. Just regular Trojan Lubricated. The teal colored ones. Don’t fuck around with the Fire & Ice bullshit because your dick will go numb and start burning. All the other fancy shit isn’t worth it. Oh and having a Magnum peek out of your wallet at the right moment is never a bad move either. I’ll never get to actually use one though…
But what’s funny to me is that you know some uber squids will definitely use this app to research their cock size so they can get the right condom before they fuck. Want everything to be perfect and in order. Same type of guys who fan the magazines out on their coffee table. Real weirdos. So if you know any of those guys then I wouldn’t borrow their iPhone because it’ll basically be like rubbing their dick on your face.