1. Indianapolis – Andrew Luck, QB. Stanford. The Indianapolis press immediately begins rounding up slave laborers to build a massive statue to Luck’s glory and Robert Irsay posts his first of 10,000,000 fawning, hagiographic Tweets about him.
2. Washington – Robert Griffin III, QB. Baylor. Baylor is treated like a conquering hero in DC and has a productive rookie season before slowly being driven to madness by Mike Shanahan’s kid’s terrible, quarterback-killing offense. By the end of his rookie contract, RG III is living in a cardboard box two blocks from the White House.
3. Minnesota - Fails to get their pick in on time. Cleveland on the clock and takes Trent Richardson, RB. Alabama. Richardson finishes top 5 in points of every Fantasy League in America and wins ROTY. But he makes it onto the cover of Madden 2014 and winds up an injured, disgruntled, unproductive shadow of himself before being waived.
4. Minnesota - Oops. Late again. Tampa Bay jumps ahead of them and grabs Morris Claiborne, CB. LSU. Claiborne’s 4-out of-50 on the Wonderlic test makes him the 3rd smartest player on the Bucs.
5. Minnesota – Ready this time, Matt Kalil, OT. USC. Kalil attends the Vikings OTAs and is injured by a hooker at a team-organized orgy at the Mall of America. Placed on IR.
6. St. Louis – Quinton Coples, DE. UNC. Coples finishes his rookie year with 10.5 sacks as the Boston media slams Belichick for not moving up to draft “an elite edge rusher” like him. The Rams finish the year 2-14 as the Pats clinch the No. 1 seed in the playoffs by Christmas.
7. Jacksoville – Dre Kirkpatrick, CB. Alabama. Kirkpatrick goes on to a long, productive career but standing next to Roger Goodell at the podium wearing a Jaguars hat is the last time he ever appears on national TV.
8. Miami – Ryan Tannehill, QB. Texas A&M. Tannehill realizes the Dolphins are a joke and refuses to sign with them. “Look, I admit I suck. I started 19 games in my life and went 0-7 against ranked teams. Why would I want to play for a team so f***ing stupid they’d draft a guy like me in the Round 1? I’d rather go get a real job.”
9 through 13. Carolina, Buffalo, Kansas City, Seattle, Arizona – TBD. The NFL decides these teams aren’t interesting enough to take up prime time with, so they decide to have them pick in a separate ceremony at another location, like the technical awards at the Oscars.
14. Dallas – Courtney Upshaw, OLB. Alabama. After drafting Upshaw, Jerry Jones immediately trades him, then trades to get him back, just so he can get more face time on NFL Network.
15. Philadelphia – Zach Brown, OLB. UNC. When asked why they booed the selection, and Eagles fan in attendance says “Force of habit. Honestly, I’ve never heard of this guy before. We’re just being assholes.”
16. New York Jets – Mark Barron, S. Alabama. Rex Ryan declares Barron to be the best safety in the game, names him “Barron Archipelago” and signs him to the richest deal in NFL history. The following morning, Barron cashes the bonus check, then declares he won’t report to camp until he gets a new contract.
17. Cincinnati – Janoris Jenkins, CB. No. Alabama. Jenkins had multilple arrests in college, got kicked out of Florida and has 4 kids by 3 women. In Cincy they call guys like that “Captain.”
18. San Diego – Melvin Ingram, OLB, So. Carolina. Norv Turner calls and tells Ingram to get right to work on a douchey, idiotic sack dance and have it ready by the start of camp.
19. Chicago – Michael Floyd, WR. Notre Dame. Floyd carries on the proud tradition of successful NFL players from the Fighting Irish pro-ready offensive system like Brady Quinn and Jimmy Clausen.
20. Tenessee – Devon Still, DT. Penn St. Still signs with the Titans and is never heard from again.
21. Cinncinati - Trades the pick to New Orleans. Goodell then has to vacate the pick because as the Saints approach the podium it’s revealed they sold nuclear secrets to Iran. Bill Polian goes on ESPN to declare the secrets “didn’t affect the competitive balance of the arms race.”
22. Cleveland – Cordy Glenn, OL. Georgia. Glenn is excited to be in the NFL for as long as it takes him to realize he’s been drafted to the most downtrodden, moribund, accursed city since Berlin, 1945.
23. Detroit – Stephon Gilmore, CB. So. Carolina. There’s some controversy around the selection because the league gets a call saying the Lions are taking the best receiver on the board. But the call is traced to the ESPN booth and security escorts Matt Millen out of the building.
24. Pittsburgh – Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi St. As Cox is shaking the commissioner’s hand, he complains about how he’s being treated unfairly just because he’s a Steeler and the league has in for them.
25. Denver – Cooper Manning. No special treatment, here. Peyton’s just one of the guys.
26. Houston – The Texans make a pick but Goodell doesn’t bother announcing it because no one cares.
27. New England - Belichick trades the pick for Oakland’s entire 2012, 2013, 2014 drafts, as well as the corpse of Al Davis frozen in carbonite, which he then keeps in his office (just above the Sarlac pit) as his favorite decoration.
28. Green Bay – Kendall Reyes, DT. UConn. Reyes goes to the only city in America smaller, colder and more dismal than Storrs.
29. Baltimore – Dont’a Hightower, ILB. Alabama. As soon as his first interview is over, Hightower gets to work on the Ravens playbook as well as learning how to pretend to buy into Ray Lewis’ incomprehensible, nonsensical pregame pep talks.
30. San Francisco – Rueben Randall, WR. LSU. Randall’s biggest hurdle comes when he finds out receivers taken this late in the 1st round get paid less than they do in the SEC.
31. New England – Prototype Omega, Parts Unknown. With his 2nd pick, Belichick drafts and unheard of human/ cyborg hybrid who was genetically engineered in a lab on an island in the South Pacific that is invisible to radar and satellites. He has unlimited strength, is impervious to injuries and his 40-speed can’t be measured because he’s so fast he creates an anomaly which causes time to slow down. He can play any position, but is put at No. 2 on the tight end depth chart, behind Gronk. (Note: Or Belichick might just trade down to the 2nd round and grab a guard. Either way I’m fine.)
32. New York Giants – F the Giants. Whoever they take will ruin my life someday.