Things to consider while waiting for the Jets offense to star in “Human Centipede III”:
*Those attention-deficity morons who always whine that this column is too long get their wish this morning. One, I watched the game in a room full of people so I missed a bunch of things. And two, I’m just coming back to consciousness after a booze-and-tryptophan-induced coma. So you don’t have to take the meds mom gives you to help you focus to get through this one, fellas. I’m cutting it short.
*The Jets are 4-8. They handled the ball like it was a charcoal briquette. There was more civil unrest in the stands than the Gaza Strip. Half the fans were chanting for Tim Tebow, the other half were booing the ones who chanted for Tebow. They can’t defend the pass. They can’t stop the run. They can’t block. They can’t ground OR pound. And on that last Patriots touchdown drive they flat out quit. It’s safe to say Fireman Ed had the least satisfying post-Thanksgiving growler of his illustrious career.
*Seriously, no one’s experienced a worse 52 seconds since my Irish Rose on my last birthday.
*11 games into the season we’ve got a pretty good handle on what kind of a defense we’re dealing with. They’re a D that’s not going to take chances, try to jump under routes and play for the interception. They’re going to stay in that deep Cover-2 (or quarters coverage, which they were in a lot against Indy) to take away the big play. Then when you catch it, they’re going to swarm to the ball and try to rip it free like Frank Costanza tearing a doll out of your hands on Black Friday.
*And as they’re raining blows down upon everyone’s head, realize all these turnovers aren’t a product of luck. These fumbles are forced in every sense of the word. Shone Greene tried to extend the ball on 4th & 1 and Brandon Spikes slapped it away. Alfonzo Dennard and Steve Gregory each punched one out. The one on the kick return that Julian Edelman caught like a Rajon Rondo pass at the top of the key was the result of Devin McCourty doing what Pepper Johnson calls “biting the football.” The closest they came to a “lucky” fumble was the one where Sanchez tossed Brandon Moore’s salad. And even on that one, Vince Wilfork made the play by using Moore as a blunt instrument. (In criminal statutes beating a quarterback with a right guard like that is referred to as “A&B, RG”.) But it’s all by design, not luck.
*Sanchez not only had 300 yards, the Pats lost the all-important Time of Possession battle. If ever there was a game that proved stats are for losers, it was this one.
*You have to give Josh McDaniels his due. The McOffense going into the season was almost entirely predicated on the Joker (2 TE, 3WR) and Ace (2 TE, 2 WR, 1 RB) groupings. And even though he’s hardly had both tight ends available at the same time, he’s still managed to make it work. They ran a ton of 2 TE formations last night, mostly with Daniel Fells on the line and Aaron Hernadez flexed out next to him. It was effective at forcing the Jets to overload to that side and the Pats took advantage with a lot of weakside runs.
*I especially liked seeing them get Shane Vereen the ball out in space with a lot of pitches and outside zone runs. It seemed weird to me the last few weeks that the guy who’s supposed to be Kevin Faulk 2.0 has been running (not very effectively) between the tackles so much. Hopefully we’ll see more of that swing pass catch & run, but then again not very many WLBs are as slow as Bart Scott. Stop THAT nosebleed, jackass.
*Astronomers have used the Hubble telescope and the natural “lens” created by the refraction of a cluster of galaxies to discover a galaxy 13.3 billion light years away. In terms of miles, that’s like 7.4 x 10 to the 16th power away. And that galaxy was as close to catching Vereen as Bart Scott was.
*We’re witnessing Dante Scarnecchia’s finest hour. 2012 is his Sistine Chapel. His Mona Lisa. His “Come On, Eileen.” They had an O-line of Solder, Thomas, Wendell, Connolly/McDonald (I think) and Cannon, and produced 49 points and almost 500 yards of offense. Right now you could give Scarnecchia a line made up of One Direction… or even Moop… and he could get them to put up 30 on you.
*Last week I said Brady didn’t even need to throw his uniform in the hamper. After this one I think he could’ve hung it back up without so much as Fabrezeing it.
*The best commercial on TV right now is the Paul Rudd-Ray Lewis Madden one. Sure we’re all disappointed he didn’t say “You know how I know you’re gay? You macramed a pair of jean shorts,” but it’s still great. Lewis has become the new Bill Cosby with all these endorsements. He’s got to be America’s most beloved thwarter of double homicide investigations.
*For all the different tricks Rex Ryan has pulled out of his bag over the years to stop the Pats, this was the most vanilla look I can remember. I think they switched from man to zone a lot like they usually do. But there was nothing disguised, no complex blitzes or showing blitz then flooding the zones with 8 guys like he did in the playoff game. I mean, that TD pass to Edelman over Laron Landry was the kind of open Randy Moss could never get against these guys. Darrelle Revis’ agent is the happiest little blood sucking, bottom-feeding lawyer in all the land this morning.
This week’s Applicable Movie Quote: “I’ve never seen a guy get picked up by his testicles before. Lucky for you that cop passed by when he did, or you’d be lifting your snutz to tie your shoes.” – Del Griffith, “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”
*When Mr. Kraft said he loves Thanksgiving for the “3 Fs” I was hoping the third one would be “Fuck you, pussy.” But the ones he picked are nice too.
*It wouldn’t be a win over the Jets if I didn’t break this out. My actual quote for the book cover was “Every time you annoy a Jets fan, an angel gets its wings.” But this works too.