(BeachCat) – On the evening of August 6, 2012, 24-year-old Tiffany Sherry was suffering from a very bad sunburn. Her boyfriend, Michael Martinez, decided that this would be a perfect opportunity for a playful/surprise butt smack. He was well aware that Tiffany’s sunburn would cause her to feel a significant amount of pain, but decided it would be a “funny” thing to do, anyway. She immediately spun around from behind the sink brandishing a large steak knife. Michael backed into the living room, where Tiffany’s children were playing…and could possibly make the perfect shield against the impending attack. “What are you going to do, stab me in front of your children?” Michael asked. Tiffany came to her senses, calmed herself a bit…and asked her children to quickly leave the room. She then proceeded to stab Michael in the stomach and shoulder. As he turned to flee the premises, Tiffany stabbed him again in the upper back while screaming that she was going to kill him.

Ever been five starred? It’s the worst. Ever had a sunburn? They’re the fucking worst. Ever gotten a five star while you had a sunburn? No you haven’t because you’re reading this and not sitting in prison for murder. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction and murder for bitch slap is the going exchange rate. If that means the kids have to flee a horrifically bloody attempted murder in the middle of Spongebob then so be it. At least she took the time to ask them to leave the room. That’s a level of self-discipline I’m not familiar with.