UPI- A West Virginia college student is suing a fraternity for negligence, claiming he fell off a deck because a bottle rocket went off in another student’s rectum. Louis Helmburg III of Marshall University is suing the Alpha Tau Omega Fraternity and fraternity member Travis Hughes, claiming he suffered injuries at a party in 2011 after the allegedly drunken Hughes attempted to fire a bottle rocket from his anus, Courthouse News Service reported Thursday. “Instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in the defendant’s rectum, and this startled the plaintiff and caused him to jump back,” and fall off the deck, the lawsuit contends. In the suit, filed in Cabell County Court, Helmburg claims he suffered pain and medical expenses and lost playing time on Marshall’s baseball team, and that the fraternity was negligent in supervising its guests and members. The report offered no information on Hughes’ medical condition after the incident.

Way to make it all about yourself. Your buddy just went from tight butthole to Sasha Grey status in two seconds and you want people to feel bad that you fell off a deck?  I don’t even understand how this kid got “startled” in the first place. Whenever bottle rockets and ass play show up in the same vicinity you need to expect the worst case scenario.  It’s not like you were at a party and some kid’s asshole randomly exploded. No, someone consciously put a bottle rocket in their ass and lit the fuse. You lose the right to be startled the instant you decided not to say “Maybe this is a shitty idea.” And if you fall off a deck because of it you’re not allowed to sue the guy who just got his ass pounded on a number of levels. I guess with a name like Louis Helmburg III it’s to be expected, but this guy is a bigger asshole than his friend’s. Bitch all you want about missing a couple of baseball games thanks to your sprained ankle and fragile emotional state. Travis Hughes will be in the in the standing room only section shitting in a bag.