It’s just universally accepted that the most important invention of the last 100 years is internet porn. Nothing else has revolutionized the average male’s day to day lives like free porn. However it’s not all gumdrops and candycanes. With literally an endless supply of videos to choose from now, picking the perfect film has become a tedious task. If you’re not mentally prepared you can end up wasting hours clicking on thumbnails and watching bad scenes trying to figure out the perfect movie to dance with. So to help all those lost souls out there here is my biggest porn turnoffs. Things that automatically rule out a video for me.

1. Tattooed Chick

I hate tattoo chicks.  When I watch porn I don’t want to know I’m watching porn if you know what I mean. Like obviously if you have a full body suit you come from broken family and have been stuffed 9 million times. Ew gross.  Who wants to watch that?

2.Huge fake tits.

Everybody knows I’m not a boob guy. Nothing will fuck up porn fast than a preposterous rack. There is NOTHING sexy about 3 D’s.

3. Foreign Films

I don’t know what it is but French porn always seems to have hotter chicks than everybody else. The problem is they speak French. I need to know what is being said. Call me old fashioned but I’m a sensory and auditory guy. If a chick says she wants to be fucked in the ass I need to hear that. It’s part of the show.

4. No Story Line

This is directly related to #3. I’m a storyline guy. That’s why I need it to be in English. Wine and dine me. Take me away. Tell me a story. Acting and script count. Always.

5. Too Much Screaming

I hate screamers. Just fucking going ham and shit. Shut up bitch. The dick doesn’t feel that good. I know it doesn’t. Especially when you’re pussy is all loose and shit. Stop laying it on so thick. It’s ruining the mood.

6. Limp Dick

There is a chance this makes me a gayball. But I just can’t stand when a bro can’t get hard in a porn.  Dick always falling out while they’re fucking and shit. Limped dicked blowjobs. Come on dude. This is the big leagues.

7. Fourplay Videos

Who are fourplay vidoes trying to fool? These of course are videos where they’ll show a little dick sucking and tit licking and then right when it’s about to get good the video ends. They obviously want you to buy the full video. What type of freaking maniac buys porn? Hey bro there a million other videos to choose from where they give you the full monty. You’re just wasting everybody’s time here.

8. Old Chicks

Get off my screen old bitch. You’re time has passed. You’re not a MILF. You’re fucking gross. Huge difference.