So last week I wrote a blog openly wondering if wearing Lululemon mens pants gave you the gay. Well next thing you know every Tom, Dick, and Harry pro athlete Stoolie was coming out of the woodwork actually calling me gay for not wearing Lululemon.
Well here is the thing about being a mogul. Even though I’m generally right about everything I still owe it to my contingency to test new products. If everybody is saying Lululemon pants are the source than I have to at least try it out. That’s what being a great leader is all about. So that’s exactly what I did. I went out and bought 2 pairs of sweats and some boxer briefs to see what all the hype was about. Now first things first. I went to the Lululemon store in the Prudential. Now I don’t know who is doing the hiring there, but if you’re going to make all the workers wear tight yoga pants they better be hot as fuck. I mean I saw more fat asses stuffed into Lululemon pants than I’ve ever seen in my life. It was shocking actually. And it’s not like you can’t look either. It’s a fucking train wreck. You can’t turn away. Anyway onto the reviews.
I had a couple people tell me I needed to try the Boxers. That they would change my life. Well I HATED em. Let me be clear. It’s not that I didn’t like them. I hated them. Didn’t like the material. I’m a cotton boxer brief guy. Don’t give me spandex feeling shit. Gross. F- Never going to wear them. Ever.
Okay here is the thing. These are fancy sweatpants. I don’t even know that you can call them real sweatpants as opposed to just pants. Like they are narrow fitting. I wore them out to go get a bagel and I swear to god I had three guys tell me my ass was popping and wanted to see if I was down for some quick anal. Also I don’t know if this is good or bad but they make you look like you have a huge dick. I’m talking a huge dick. Maybe that’s why NHL guys wear them? They all have little dick syndrome? You think I’m lying? I didn’t want to include this picture but I had to in order to prove my point. I swear to god this is a regulation bulge. Come on. It’s like I stuffed my pants.
So I guess here is the thing. I’m still not convinced Lululemon doesn’t give you the gay. I mean I don’t need sexy sweatpants. I don’t need guys checking out my ass and dreaming about my cock 24/7. When I wear sweats I want them to be loose fitting not clinging to my shit. Plus all the sweatshirts I own are baggy as shit so I look like a disproportioned asshole with Lululemon pants on. You need to wear like a euro slim fit sweatshirt to pull off the look. And that’s the whole thing here. Lululemon sweats are definitely a look. You’re trying to make a statement in sweatpants. Like look at me. I’m a professional blogger or professional athlete in perfect shape and you’re not, blah, blah, blah. Just not my scene. If I’m trying to make a statement I wear real pants not pseudo sweatpants like a gayball. If I want to be comfortable I’ll wear baggy sweats like god intended. So in conclusion yeah maybe you are kind of gay if you wear Lululemon as a man. I’ll probably still wear mine because I already bought them and I’m sneaky digging the huge bulge, but I wouldn’t buy them again.