One of the wisest sayings ever uttered is “the cemeteries are full of indispensable people.” The point being that everyone needs to get over themselves. The guy at your office who thinks no one can function without him, ought to realize that if he gets hit by lighting on the way home tonight, you’re open for business the next day. Everyone is replaceable. Well not everyone. Sometimes, under very rare circumstances, you come across someone you just can’t find a substitute for. Someone who casts such a long shadow that long after they’ve moved on, you’re still looking for a replacement and everyone you throw in there fails to live up to the lofty standards that guy set.

In Boston that guy is Nomar Garciaparra. It occurred to me while watching Julio Lugo and Nick Green, game after game, failing to get to the tough balls and booting the easy ones, that we’re now two months shy of five years since the Sox traded Nomar and the club still hasn’t found an adequate, permanent replacement for him. They’ve made trades, brought guys up from AAA, brought in journeyman veterans and thrown tons of money at the problem, but they still haven’t solved it. A team whose minor league system is the envy of baseball can’t solve this one position to the point where the shortstop hole is a Black Hole, drawing everything into its giant void of suckiness. The post-Nomar Sox shortstop list is a series of guys they misfired on, discarded for whatever reason, or who were just plain Bum of the Month Club members: Orlando Cabrera, Alex Cora, Rickey Gutierrez, Alex Gonzalez, Edgar Renteria and Jed Lowrie are just a few of the guys who have tried and failed to hold onto the bar that Nomar set so high. And there’s no one coming along in the minors so it looks like it will continue. And if lifetime spent wasting my time making stupid lists has taught me anything, some guys you can just never replace. The All Irreplaceable List:

Augustus

The first Roman Emperor. He took power after the assassination of Julius Caesar, gave himself absolute rule over the Republic and turned it into an Empire. In his 41 years on the throne, he expanded Rome from Northern Spain to the Alps to Southern Egypt, the Pax Romana. Widely beloved by his people, celebrated by the poet Virgil as the defender of Rome and the upholder of moral justice, Augustus left an impossibly big pair of sandals to fill (that messy business of killing Jesus aside). He was succeeded by Tiberius, Claudius, Caligula, Nero, Galba, Otho and half a millenium more of one stiff after another. It’s a pretty sorry legacy when all you’ve got to show for centuries of rulers is Capt. Kirk’s middle name and a cheesy porn movie.

John ‘Stumpy’ Pepys

The original drummer of The Thamesmen, later became “Spinal Tap.” Pepys died in a bizarre gardening accident after the release of the band’s album “Silent But Deadly” Authorities would later say Pepys death was “better left unsolved.” In his aftermath, the band had a series of drummers, all of whom died under mysterious circumstances. Stumpy Joe Childs who choked on vomit (someone else’s), Peter Bond who died of Spontaneous Human Combustion (leaving only a green globule on his drum stool) and Mick Shrimpton who exploded on stage.

Robert E. Lee

Lee was Lincoln’s first choice to be the Commander of the Union Army, but chose instead to lead the Confederates which for Lincoln was akin to how the NY Jets felt when Bill Belichick went to the Patriots. And as with the Jets, there was a hell of a drop off between Plan A and Plan B. The Old Railsplitter went through Winfield Scott, George McClelland and Henry Hallack without finding one who’d come out of his goddamned tent and kick some rebel ass. He finally settled on Ulysses S. Grant, a world class drunk and a half the general Lee was. Only massive superiority in the North’s troop strength won the war.

Bobby Layne

The last great… OK, the only great… Detroit Lions quarterback. Over a ten year span he led Detroit to 3 NFL Championships and made himself a lock for the Hall of Fame. So the team, in the first of a half a century of gawdawful decisions, traded him to Pittburgh in 1958. Supposedly upon hearing of the trade Layne said the Lions wouldn’t win for 50 years, and Year 50 of the Curse of Bobby Layne, 2008, yielded an 0-16 record. Between Layne and No. 1 draft pick Matthew Stafford Detroit has lined up such legendary QB’s as Greg Landry, Eric Hipple, Gary Danielson and the immortal Joey Harrington, a Detroit fail so epic even Washington couldn’t bail it out.

Freddy Mercury

Mercury died in 1991. The fact that Queen is still performing today is more a testament to him than anyone they brought in to fill his spandex. Wyclef Jean, George Michael, Elton John, Paul Rogers have all sung lead with the band at one time or another with only occasional, minimal success on the charts. The void Mercury left is so big 18 years later, that the band has openly discussed American Idol runner up and El Presidente mancrush Adam Lambert as the only man talented enough to take his place.

Howard Cosell

He might have been an obnoxious gasbag, a shameless shill for the New York teams and hung on to the job way too long, but 25 years after Cosell left the booth they’re still looking for someone to take his place. The unsuccessful attempts include Dan Dierdorf, Joe Namath, OJ Simpson, Boomer Esiason, Dennis Miller and Tony Kornheiser. It speaks volumes that Cosell’s most popular replacement murdered two people.

Will Ferrell as George W. Bush

Ferrell did Bush on SNL from 1999-2002 and since he left every Caucasian male in the cast has taken a run at it. Darrell Hammond, Chris Parnell, Will Forte and now someone named Jason Sudeikis have all been pale comparisons. While Frank Caliendo weeps that W. is gone, SNL has to be relieved.

Lou Holtz

The man who walked in the footsteps of Knute Rockne and restored the Irish to the former glory they’d lost in the Gerry Faust era. He won Notre Dame their last National Title, brought them their last Heisman winner and their last undefeated season. Holtz’ successors, Bob Davie, Tyrone Willingham and Charlie Weis have led the Irish to their longest sustained period of mediocrity, making them the BC of the Midwest.