Pyongyang, November 29 (KCNA) – Archaeologists of the History Institute of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences have recently reconfirmed a lair of the unicorn rode by King Tongmyong, founder of the Koguryo Kingdom (B.C. 277-A.D. 668). The lair is located 200 meters from the Yongmyong Temple in Moran Hill in Pyongyang City. A rectangular rock carved with words “Unicorn Lair” stands in front of the lair. The carved words are believed to date back to the period of Koryo Kingdom (918-1392).

I’m so insanely jealous of Kim Jung Un it’s getting a lot out of hand. Pres always gushes about Bieber and Gronk and Seguin and whoever. How he’d trade places with them over anybody else in the world. Not even close. If I could be anyone I’d be one guy and one guy only, that’s Kim Jung Un. You know that underused phrase “it’s his world, we’re just living in it”? Well that’s the people of North Korea’s motto. Kim is just a big kid with a huge backyard to let his imagination run wild in, and everybody has to listen to him. The Onion names him sexiest man of the year? He tells the press to announce that he’s the sexiest man of the year. Wife acts up? He locks her up in the house for like 3 months. Get’s bored? He tells the History Institute of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences to announce that they’ve discovered a cave that doubled as a “Unicorn Lair.” Must be so much fucking fun being him. Seriously if your answer to who would you trade places with is anything but “Kim Jung Un” you lost.