So one of my favorite shows on TV right now is Shark Tank. Unless you live in a cave or actually go out on Friday Nights basically entrepreneurs pitch their business ideas to a bunch of rich ass investors and try to get them to invest in their companies. It’s great television. I still can’t tell how much of it is scripted in terms of how much the Sharks know about the businesses before they enter the tank, how much research is done after they commit,what happens if they change their mind etc but I want to believe it’s 100% legit. Anyway a constant debate the First Lady and I have is who would I pick to invest in Barstool if I had my choice. So without further ado here is my wish list from worst to first…
7. Kevin Harrington
Bro what happened to you? This guy is the Brian Dunkelman of Shark Tank. Right when the show started to gain in popularity he got replaced with Mark Cuban. It’s got to drive him wild. Shark Tank did throw him a crumb and let him do an “update” segment this season but that’s about it. Just by virtue of the fact you got kicked off the show that automatically means you’re the worst.
6. Barbara Corcoran
Probably slept her way to the top back in the day and now is just a crusty old bitch. I’d have to go back and rewatch every episode but I don’t think anybody has ever picked Barbara over another shark still in the mix. And I don’t think she’s spent more than 25K so far total. Hell she may not even be rich. The only time she ever invests is somebody is when she’s the only shark interested and the entrepreneur is desperate. Like if Barbara is the shark who invests in you than you should probably pack up shop because your idea suck sballs and you probably just gave 95% of the company for 5 cents.
5. Robert Herjavec
Mr. Nice Guy. Robert is another dude who I’m not sure has ever won a battle between the sharks. Just always sitting there in the corner blabbing about how his dad was an immigrant factory worker and if he can’t tell his family about how wholesome the product is he’s not interested. Yeah that’s why you’re always getting stomped on bro. Nice guys finish last.
4. Lori Greiner
I’m pretty sure if you don’t have a product you can sell on QVC than Lori is totally and completely useless. However having said that nobody throws their checkbook around like her. She’ll cut you a check just if you make eye contact with her. I also think she has the smallest ego on the panel. Like she doesn’t care if you insult her. She doesn’t throw out shot clock violations. She doesn’t pull the “I’m was in but now I’m out because you blinked weird” routine. She’s just looking to flip shit on QVC. And she is a way better token female than that crusty cunt Barbara.
The absolute king of making an offer and then dropping out 2 seconds later. One second he’s offering a million bucks and the next second he won’t even look at you. Still I like him. He asks some of the best questions on the show. Just seems like he has his shit together. He’d be my #3 guy. An added bonus is I like how he trashes all the chicks just for being chicks. My kind of mogul.
2. Mark Cuban
I bet everybody thought he’d be my #1 guy. Nope. Listen I love Mark Cuban. If I could trade lives with anybody it would be him or the Maloofs. He’s a great businessman. He’s smart. He’s really never condescending to the entrepreneurs unless it’s warranted. My only complaint is his 24 second shot clock thing. Total bullshit. I wouldn’t trust anybody who would put me in that position. “Hey Pres you got 24 seconds to make the most important decision of your life. Well okay fuck you then. I’m out”
1. Kevin O’Leary
I feel like Mr. Wonderful gets a bad rap. He’d be my go to guy. Listen I’m not trying to make friends in the tank. I’m not trying to get life advice. I want to get rich and retire. I don’t care how I do it or who I have to run over to get there. That’s what I like about Kevin. He doesn’t sugar coat shit. He likes playing dirty. He likes suing people. He likes grinding people. That’s all the shit I hate. I need somebody who only cares about making me rich at all costs. No brainer #1 shark choice for me.