Reader Email

Dear Prez,

I was recently party to a conversation between a bunch of guys who were complaining that they didn’t get enough head from their girlfriends.  I also read your blog and noticed you guys bring up the issue often too.  A quick check with my boyfriend confirmed it – he used to have to “beg” his ex for head.  Honestly i think its bullshit that this is even an issue.  So I thought I’d write out a few tips, from a chick’s perspective, for the Stoolies out there who want more head from their girlfriends or hookups, but aren’t sure how to prompt their girl to cooperate.  I know that some girls are impossible, but most just feel uncomfortable, unsure, or just plain “don’t like doing it”.  Guys might be contributing to this problem without even knowing it (yes, girls are oversensitive. thats not new).  Take it or leave it, but here are a few things guys should keep in mind if they want their girl going down on them more than once every few months (years?).

Keep it trimmed. This is self-explanatory. There’s nothing worse than trying to concentrate on getting a dick all wet and slippery and suddenly feeling a pube floating around in your mouth.  I’m sure guys have to deal with this too, and yes the door swings both ways.  Bottom line: we all know it makes a huge difference when everything is trimmed and sanitary, so please keep everything that way.

Giving compliments and saying thank you goes a long way: It makes more of an impact than you would think.  Short story – in my early college days I was casually hooking up with a guy and decided to go down on him one night.  It was completely overwhelming.  He was huge, and had been drinking some too so he took forever to cum.  I swear I almost died twice and came up sputtering and exhausted, swearing to myself I would never do it again.  But then he told me it was the best head he had ever gotten, and that I was amazing.  Holy shit.  All I wanted to do from then on was give him head.  I look back and laugh at myself.  Who knows if I was actually any good, but that smart son-of-a-bitch actually got me excited to give him head by giving me compliments.  Game. Set. Match.

This can probably work before she goes down on you too. Just make sure to follow up after, and make sure it sounds genuine, no matter how good or bad she really was. “Please” and “thank you” never hurts either.     

Never EVER put your hand on the back of her head: Whoever started this should be shot. You push her head down on you, you guide her in and out, and here’s what you’re saying: 1) I see you only as a sex object; and 2) you’re not any good at giving head on your own. Even if both are true, they are not what you want to be conveying if you want her to go back down there in the future.  Besides, it’s super uncomfortable and will make us gag a lot.  It also encourages poor performance.  You want a girl who has no idea what to do, who can only go up and down when guided?  She’ll figure it out, just give her a chance to.

Give her a warning: No one likes a surprise cum shot, especially if your girl is uncomfortable or hates giving head in the first place. Don’t give her an excuse to not go down on you.  Give her a warning that you’re close, and make it clear when she’s done. Be a gentleman and get her a tissue or drink or something. Wait until she’s comfortable before cuming on her.

Let her know it’s important: If it’s something that you need, make it clear early on. Don’t be an asshole about it, but its ok to tell a girl that you really enjoy getting head. Its also ok to ask for head.  If she blatantly ignores you or refuses, even if you’re doing all these things, and you’re truly unhappy, then consider cutting your losses and moving on.

Get a puppy: It can’t hurt. Girls automatically want to do more for a guy with a dog.  I don’t know why and I can’t explain it.

A quick word to the ladies out there that I know are reading this blog.  I could give you a million reasons why it’s important to give your man more head.  Most importantly, it makes him happy!  I honestly don’t understand any excuses for slacking off here.  This includes the “I have a really sensitive gag reflex” excuse.  Suck it up girls, literally. It’s really not a lot to ask.  I give my boyfriend head at least once a day and honestly thats a bare minimum.  What do you think halftimes/ intermissions/ 7th inning stretches/ commercial breaks are for anyway?

Viva La Stool,

Summer

Holy fucking shit! On a scale of 1 to 10 this email is a 100,000. Like I’m rock hard sitting at my desk thinking about Summer begging to blow me during a commercial break on the season finale of Suits tonight. Talk about your perfect woman. Just begging to suck your dick everywhere at any time. Dual trips to the bathroom at dinner because she can’t wait to get home for her dessert kind of shit. Heed this chick’s advice, stoolies. She sounds like she knows what she’s talking about. Summer, will you marry me?

PS – yes this girl’s name is really Summer and yes because of that I’m sure she looks like Kate Bosworth in Blue Crush.

Double PS – Summer I hope your boyfriend doesn’t read Barstool because I can’t imagine he likes hearing about that horse cock you used to suck in college.

1 Stars2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (614 votes, average: 9.72 out of 10)
 Loading ... Loading ...