Reader Email – UMaryland Bro Writes His Frat An Email On How To Win Over the Jewish Sorority at His School
Backstory: I go to the University of Maryland and a kid in my frat sent the e-mail below over our frat e-mail chain. Our frat is mostly non-jews, but we were paired with an all-jewish sorority for Greek Week (a week long competition w/ parties with that sorority every night). It went kind of viral around Maryland and some of the girls were upset. Thought you could weigh in or whether it was accurate or not.
Most of the Jewish people in the frat, including myself, are going to be at DphiE dated. Since we will not be there to guide and wingman you tonight, here is a quick guide to how you should go about talking to these jewish sorority girls tonight. This is funny, but also serious. Follow my directions and you will have a way better greek week than you think possible. We’re with these girls for 5 straight parties so make a good impression and hava nagila hava.
If from an allowed hometown you are fine. If not, lie and say you are from an allowed area. Note: DC is a toss up area, as is Vermont.
Areas you can be from: New York, New Jersey, PA (only Philadelphia area, sorry Depoy), Massachussets, Rockville/Bethesda area, Pikesville
Not Allowed Areas: The rest of Maryland (especially rural counties, looking at you Carroll), Baltimore, Atlanta, anywhere in the south, Connecticut
House is preferable, rap is fine. 90s rock could work, but it would be better if you stuck to house. Country is out, as is normal Rock.
3. OVERNIGHT/SLEEPAWAY CAMP:
Make up a camp you went to. Say it was in upstate PA, NY, or Maine. Say it starts with “Timber” or ends in “Lake”. You could also make up an Indian (redskin kind, not the slumdog kind) name. For example, Lack-a-wa-taka or Saska-Rata. Say you started when you were ten years old, but stopped going when you were 15 in order to play high school sports. You liked it a lot. You still talk to your camp friends when you can.
4. ARE YOU JEWISH?
If you are Jewish, say yes. If you look somewhat Jewish but aren’t (Scaringi, Blum, Mancini) just say you are. If you are not Jewish and don’t look Jewish (Diaz) then say:
a. No I’m half-jewish but didn’t get bar mitzvahed of anything. My dad is jewish.
b. No, but I’m from a really jewish area
5. TOPICS OF CONVERSATION
-How terrible it was that you couldn’t eat bread during Passover (note: this is a week long holiday) last week
-How much fun you had at Ultra (even if you did not go, say you went)
-How excited you are for greek week
-How drunk you got on Tuesday at Barking Dog (say you went)
-How excited you are for Fe to re-open because it is your favorite bar and you are getting sick of Barking Dog and Cornerstone
-How it’s funny that most people think our frat isn’t jewish, when we are in fact 70 percent Jewish and all from the NY/NJ/Boston/Philly area. In fact, both roommates in your triple are from Long Island!
-You are a business major or an econ major or a communication major
-You want to “do something with business, maybe finance” or start your own business
-Alternative 1 to that: Some science major, but you are going to med school to be a doctor (why? because both your parents are doctors)
-Alternative 2: You are a crim major and plan on going to law school
7. WHAT TO WEAR
-Jeans are definitely preferable to other pants
-V necks are ideal
-Button downs work too, but try to avoid flannel. Solid colors are a better bet
-T shirts and graphic t shirts with words on them are great
-If you wear a cross on your neck, don’t wear it
-Hats are fine, if they are backwards and snapbacked
First of all #5 is a sure fire sign this bro knows his JAPs. Because all Jew girls go to Jew camp and they take that shit seriously. I’m talking lifelong friends and shit. But to be honest I think most of the things on this list only matter if you’re trying to marry a Jewish girl not bang them. In fact I didn’t think Jewish girls wanted anything to do with jewish guys in college. They know they’re gonna have a lifetime of of boring Jewish dudes. College is four years to get the gentiles out of their system without their parents judging them. Let their hair down and shit. So I wouldn’t think any of this matters for for Greek Week unless you’re trying to marry them. But what do I know? Jewish girls never liked me even though I’m like the coolest jew on the planet. Something about my nose being too big. Like they should fucking talk.
Anyway were are my jewish homegirls at? What do you think of this guys list? Is it spot on or not?