The middle of April til the end of June. Yes! The best time of year of gambling…for me and 17 other people. “How/why do you bet on hockey?”, I often get asked, usually by a guy who has his Comcast bill riding on a malnourished dog running in circles chasing a giant tampon puppet. “A bet is a bet is bet,” I’ll tell him, “you’re either gonna win, lose, or tie”.
 
And so now the first round of the NHL’s annual trophy tourney is upon us and it’s time for some picks to take that tennis bracelet off of your bookie’s broad. For those of you who follow the picks of anonymous Bruins bloggers (why, I don’t know), then you have a few shekels to reinvest thanks to Manny Pacquiao’s utter shredding of Oscar “Pretty Boy” De La Hoya and the Arizona Cardinals’ Lazarus-like cover in February’s Super Bowl.
 
Series Picks
 
Columbus +400 over the Detroit Red Wings. Getting 4/1 on a playoff team in a seven game NHL series is a nice price. It’s even better when Chris Osgood looks more like the shaky guy who used to back up Mike Vernon rather than the 2008 version that easily could’ve been the Conn Smythe winner. His back up, Ty Conklin, has five minutes of postseason experience that consists of blowing Game One of the ’06 Cup as an Edmonton Oiler in a series that went the distance. Down the other end is this year’s version of ‘The Goalie Who Came From Nowhere’—Steve Mason. The 20-year-old Calder Trophy shoe-in put the playoff virgin Blue Jackets on his back to garner 33 wins in his rookie season to go along with a .916 save %, 2.29 GAA, and league-leading 10 shutouts. If defensive-minded coach Ken Hitchcock can keep the games tight-checking affairs, the goaltending will be the difference, despite Detroit’s wealth of firepower, and the cream will rise to the top. And right now, Mason is miles ahead of Osgood. Plus, Columbus’ nickname is on the right side of history.

Blue Jackets two for Teddies to make eight.
 
Anaheim +250 over the San Jose Sharks. The Ducks are just two years removed from winning the Stanley Cup with nearly the same roster intact, though missing a key player or two. Despite their late start, the Emilio Estevez-led squad finally gelled at the right time to nail down a playoff spot. Surprisingly, it was mostly on the back of Jonas Hiller and not J.S. Giguere. If the playoff heat prove too much for Hiller, Anaheim turns to the Cup-winning, Conn Smthe-winning (albeit on a losing team) Giguere, who can erase a forgettable season by reverting to the form that initially put him on the NHL radar. As for the Sharkies, they’re one tweaked hammy by Evgeny Nabakov from Pebble Beach (he did just return from the IR). Because if he goes down, the team has to rely on Brian Boucher. They may as well have Bobby Boucher. If Ducks coach Randy Carlisle can figure out how to shut down Joe Thornton (like every other guy who coached against him in the playoff has), that will go a long way toward winning the series. Besides, do you really want to root for a team with Claude Fucking Lemeiux on it? Didn’t think so.

Ducks for a dime to make a quarter.
 
New York +205 over the Washington Capitals. I’d love to see Ovechkin make a nice playoff run because he is hockey’s most dynamic player. But instead I’m seeing Jose Tay-O-Door folding like a Gap employee with OCD and costing the D.C Caps the series after being thoroughly outplayed by Henrik Lundqvist.

Rangers for a nickel to make a dime. 
 
I know there’s more to playoff hockey than goalies. But they’re the biggest factor so they factor biggest when wagering.
 
Other non-wagered selections…
 
New Jersey -130 over Carolina. Brodeur. Playoffs. ‘Nuff said.
 
Bruins -300 over Montreal. Montreal has the same chance getting out of the 1st round as a one-dollar bill does of getting out of Chez Paris.
 
Pittsburgh -145 over Philadelphia. Philly’s propensity for shithead penalties hands the Pens too many power plays. Sid and Geno make the cementheads pay.
 
Calgary +140 over Chicago. Kiprusoff, Iginla, and Jokinen outplay Khabibulin/Huet, Kane, and Toews.
 
St. Louis +170 over Vancouver. John Davidson’s standing pat at the deadline continues to reap unforeseen benefits. The Blues are playing some of the finest team hockey in the league right now and will carry it through at least the first round.
 
Good luck to all. And if you lose because you followed my picks, then it’s your own fault for reading some internet asshole you don’t even know then risking your own money on said picks.