Warwickonline - Rhode Island residents Kathy Melker and Craig Fontaine are ready to sell their waterfront home and move out of state because of their neighbours and a bird. According to Melker, neighbours Lynne Taylor and Chris Levasseur, residents at 51 Harris Avenue, Warwick, are harassing them extensively. She claims Taylor verbally insults them by yelling obscenities as well as threatening them. Now, says Melker, Taylor has also got her umbrella cockatoo, Willy, involved. Since June 2011, Melker claims the bird has been calling her a “f*cking whore” for up to sixteen hours a day. This ruffles Melker’s feathers. “It’s directed exactly at me, I’m 53 years old and I’ve never been called a f*cking whore in my life. This woman is a lunatic,” said Melker. She even alleges that Taylor and Levasseur painted an image of a cockatoo on the side of their own house to mock them. “We’ve got to get out of here. The situation is unbelievable,” says Fontaine. The feud between neighbours and what apparently the bird has been trained to say is known to police and the mayor’s office. They’ve heard the squawking. It’s complex. Fontaine and Taylor used to be married and lived in Fontaine’s home, which he began remodelling shortly after purchasing it. “She was running around while he was busy working on the house,” Melker says. “One day, right after he had just finished the house, she announced that she’s having an affair with Chris Levasseur. “She literally picked up her belongings and moved next door. Craig had just finished building a half a million dollar house, so what’s he going to do? Just walk away? He’s been living there for six years and she has been harassing him unmercifully.” Ironically, Fontaine bought the bird with Taylor more than 12 years ago. He said when he lived with it, it would say phrases such as “Hello,” “Whatcha’ doing?” and “I love you.” “After she moved out, she trained it to say, ‘F*ck you,’” he said. “When Kathy moved in, she trained it to scream, ‘f*cking whore.’”

I had to read this story like 3 times to fully comprehend it. Just as wild and out there as a story gets. And as long as I’m reading it all correctly there is no reason the Warwick police shouldn’t kick down Lynne Taylor’s front door and haul her off to a mental institution this very second. I mean I know chicks can be crazy. But you have to draw a line somewhere. Fucking the neighbor is one thing. Moving in with the neighbor is another thing. Painting a cockatoo on your house is something too. And training your cockatoo to yell “fucking whore” even though you cheated is one more thing. If all those scenarios were exclusive maybe you chalk it up to girls being girls. But when it’s all concocted in one brain at one time? That’s why we have phrases like “certifiably insane.”