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The Richie Incognito story continues to dominate the world this week.  It’s another one of those sports stories that touches some third rail issue or pushes some hot button topic and sets of a national dialogue on something or other.  In this case, it’s bullying.  A lot of people are arguing this is just the tip of the iceberg of a deep societal problem.  Others are saying what Incognito did to Jonathan Martin was just garden variety hazing and it’s a part of life.  There are even reports coming out of the Dolphins locker room are saying Incognito actually has more support among his teammates than Martin does.  The one thing everyone agrees on is that Incognito has been a total jerkstore everywhere he’s ever played and no one should be surprised his clubhouse cancer has spread to yet another team.

As for me, I don’t know what to think.  Charging rookies for dinners is one thing when they’re first round picks with eight figure signing bonuses.  But when they’re undrafted free agents making the minimum and you’re sticking them with $30K tabs, that’s another thing entirely.  And shaving rookie’s heads at camp and hosing them down in the heat of August like the Patriots do is a damn sight different than Incognito leaving a voicemail for Martin calling him “half nigger” and threatening to rape his family.

I mean, if you’re going to be a bully, be a bully.  Have some class.  Show some style.  Bullying is an art form, with a long and proud tradition.  It’s not just insane threats and taking guys’ money away.  So to show the Richie Incognito’s of the world how it’s done right, I count down the 15 Best Fictional Bullies of All Time:

15. Bully: John Bender, The Breakfast Club

Victims: The Brain, the Athlete, the Basket Case, the Princess and Richard “Dick” Vernon

Preferred Method of Torture: Sarcasm

Quote: “I wanna be just like you. I figure all I need is a lobotomy and some tights.”

 

14. Bully: Merle Dixon, The Walking Dead

Victims: Every survivor of the Zombie Apocalypse besides his brother Daryl

Preferred Method of Torture: Menace, Racism

Quote: “Maybe these people need somebody like me around, someone to do their dirty work; a bad guy.”

 

 

13. Bully: Sid, Toy Story

Victims: Toys

Preferred Method of Torture: Power tools, Fireworks

Quote: “Let’s playyy…”

 

12. Bully: Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter

Victims: Harry, Ron and Hermoine

Preferred Method of Torture: The Dark Arts

Quote: “No one asked your opinion, you filthy Mudblood!”

 

11. Bully: Derek Huff, Step Brothers

Victims: Brennan, Dale, his wife

Preferred Method of Torture: Bragging, Name Dropping, Guns ‘N Roses

Quote: “Brennan has a man-gina!”

 

10. Bully: Buddy Revel, Three O’Clock High

Victim: Jerry Mitchell

Preferred Method of Torture: Fists

Quote: “You and me, we’re gonna have a fight. Three o’clock. In the parking lot.  You try and run, and I’m gonna track you down. You go to a teacher, it’s only gonna get worse. You sneak home, I’m gonna be under your bed.”

 

9. Bully: Nelson Muntz, The Simpsons

Victims: Bart, Milhouse

Preferred Method of Torture: Ridicule

Quote: “Ha-ha!”

 

8. Bully: Vizzini, The Princess Bride

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Victims: Buttercup, Fezzig, Indigo Montoya, Westley

Preferred Method of Torture: Towering Intellect

Quote: “I going MAD or did the word ‘think’ just escape your lips?  You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass!!!”

 

7. Bully: Regina George, Mean Girls

Victims: Cady Heron. And basically anyone who’s not in The Plastics.

Preferred Method of Torture: Judgment, Public Scorn

Quote: “She thinks she’s gonna have a party and not invite me?  Who does the think she is? I like invented her, you know what I mean?”

 

6. Bully: Fred O’Bannion, Dazed and Confused

Victims: Mitch Kramer and any other freshman

Preferred Method of Torture: Fah Q

Quote: “The first lick I’d like to dedicate to your mother.  Fuck her.”

 

5. Bully: Chet, Weird Science

Victims:  Gary and Wyatt

Preferred Method of Torture: Shotgun, Military Weapons, Loogies

Quote: “Boy, I wouldn’t give a squirt of piss for your ass right now.”

 

4. Bully: Ace Merrill, Stand By Me

Victims: Gordie, Chris, Teddy and Vern

Preferred Method of Torture: Fear, Switchblades

Quote: “OK, OK.  You’ve stated your position clearly and now I’m gonna state mine: Get in the fucking car!”

 

3. Bully: Johnny Lawrence, The Karate Kid

Victim: Danielsan

Preferred Method of Torture: The Leg.

Quote: “Here.  You’ll need to fill this out and send it in, okay?  Just so they’ll know where to claim the body.”

 

2. Bully: Scut Farkas, A Christmas Story

Victim: Ralphie, Flick, Schwartz

Preferred Method of Torture: Arm Twists, Yellow Eyes

Quote: “What?  Are you gonna cry now?  Go ahead… CRY!!!”

 

1. Bully: Biff Tannen, Back to the Future

Victim: George McFly, Marty McFly

Preferred Method of Torture: Noogies, Attempted Rape of Someone’s Future Mother

Quote: “What are you looking at, Butthead?”

 @JerryThornton1

(Honorable Mentions: Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds, O’Doyle from Billy Madison, Billy Zane in Titanic, the kid from Step Brothers who made them lick the white dog poop, Giovanni Ribisi in Avatar, any William Zabka character besides Johnny Lawrence)