HuffPo- Artificial intelligence researcher Hooman Samani would like to make your long distance relationship easier. Samani’s most recent invention is the “Kissenger,” a small pig or cow-esque pair of lips stuck to a circular body that you can plug into your computer. Simply kiss this non-bacteria-covered device and have your partner do the same. The lips of the Kissenger will mold around yours, thereby simulating the feeling of a real, live human kiss. The site goes on to explain that you don’t have to use the Kissenger to simulate love with a real person on your computer screen, but instead you might simply enjoy kissing a robot, if that’s your thing. The circular pig or cow is totally cool with however you’d like to use it.

Who does Hooman Samani think he’s kidding? This is definitely a blow job robot, right? Kind of a shitty one, sure, but still a blowbot. It’s not It’s not even subtle. Who is going to buy a machine like this and only use it to cyberkiss? Mormons? I don’t think they’re allowed to use electricity. You can spare me the long distance relationship bullshit. No fleshy kissing machine is going to make up for that much distance and desperation. There is literally only one person that they had in mind when they designed this: A guy who buys two so he can literally blow himself. Just a pig in his face and a cow on his nuts. They should definitely market this over in Japan, I bet they make a killing.

PS- What kind of name is the “Kissenger?” Nothing gets me in the mood more than thinking about the wrinkled face of Nixon’s Secretary of State.