In today’s Globe Dan Shaughnessy takes some time out from his usual life’s work of ridiculing whichever Red Sox player is slumping to complain about his job:

Tom speaks. Tom says the knee is fine. He says the staph infection setback was his own fault because he was carrying baby Jack around his hospital room two days after surgery. Tom says there was never a consideration of a second major surgery. He says Coach Bill didn’t want him on the sidelines after he was injured. He says he wants to play another 10 years, until he is 41. Oh, and he says there were no gunshots fired at his “second” wedding celebration in Costa Rica. “Our security guards didn’t even have guns,” Tom Brady told Sports Illustrated’s Peter King. You’ll probably hear Tom say all this again when the Patriots finally unveil him at Gillette Stadium tomorrow, but for now we know these things only because the intrepid King scored an exclusive interview with Tom at practice last week. Good for King. These days, it’s rare when anybody at Gillette grants an interview of substance without cash changing hands. The scramble for Brady nuggets has been particularly challenging since Bernard Pollard plowed into Brady’s knee Sept. 7, 2008. Tom would show up for charities on occasion, but for most of the last eight months, he has been more scarce than a David Ortiz home run.

[Ed. note: I guess I spoke too soon about the Curly Haired Boyfriend laying off Red Sox players.] The rest of the column is a recitation of King’s interview with Brady and Shank using the fact the Herald spotted Gisele in Brighton to mention he lives in the area and name about a dozen places he frequents there. So this is how a dying institution like the Globe tries to stave off execution. They have their first-string columnist complain in print about not having access to Patriots players. Because of course the Patriots owe it to him. Notwithstanding that he’s spent his entire career belittling everyone from Kraft (the business of Kraft scouting Tebucky Jones with a stopwatch) to Belichick (Spygate and about a 1,000 other things) to Brady himself (getting fed by his supermodel wife on his honeymoon). Now he expects that the Pats are going pass over King, arguably the most respected football writer in America, to do a favor for a soon-to-be-unemployed bomb thrower whom no one respects. The CHB hasn’t broken a story since the time Dr. Charles Steinberg spoon fed him that “Theo isn’t the baseball guy Larry Lucchino is” hatchet job like four years ago. But somehow he still expects that he and Gisele will sit down at the newly renovated CitySide and he and Tom can walk over to Kati Cawley’s place to watch midget porn. Newsflash, Shank. King is better than you, that’s why he beat you to the punch. It’s got nothing to do with money, it’s got to do with talent. That’s why he’s at SI and in a few months you’ll have all day to kick around Brighton shitting on Big Papi. And just like now, no one will be listening.