DM — The mysterious ‘Shirtless FBI Agent’ who began the investigation that led to the resignation of David Petraeus has broken his silence to say he did not send Tampa socialite Jill Kelley any pictures of a sexual nature. While not denying the now notorious, but unseen ‘shirtless’ picture exists, Frederick W. Humphries, 47, said the photograph was sent as a ‘joke’ and described it as him ‘posing with a couple of dummies.’ Refuting media suggestions that the picture was sent because he had become enamoured with the attractive Florida socialite, the decorated FBI agent said that the photo was sent years before Kelley contacted him about threatening emails she received from Petraeus’ biographer-turned-mistress Paula Broadwell.

For some reason people seem to think this guy is an idiot. Asking why the fuck a guy who looks like him would send shirtless pics. Am I missing something? Frederick W. Humphries may be bald, he may look like he has a stick up his ass, but he ain’t fat. When you’re 47 that’s not a bad closer. Doesn’t matter that he looks like Professor X/David Cross/literally any bald white guy ever. e doesn’t have a gut and that puts him ahead of 99% of 47 year olds. Anyone laughing at this move simply doesn’t understand the sexting game. You work your strengths. If you got a missile dick then yeah that’s what you fire off. If you’re in shape you send shirtless pics. Great hair? Headshots all day. And if you’re like me and have none of that then you stick to being the funny guy and hope the chick likes chuckles over orgasms. As far as I’m concerned Frederick W. Humphries is a topnotch sexter besides the part where he got caught, fired, and entangled in one of the juiciest sex scandals since the Clinton administration. That part kind of stunk. And the dummies. What the fuck was up with that? Super weird bro.

PS – can’t believe this Jill Kelly is behind the whole scandal. Not even the hottest or sluttiest or chick most famous for being a whore named Jill Kelly on the internet.