WEST SPRINGFIELD – Police have issued a warrant for a 34-year-old Morton Street man who allegedly battered his girlfriend with a four-foot python during a domestic altercation Tuesday night. Capt. Daniel Spaulding said the suspect, Keith Paro, of 452 Morton St., then threw the python into a hot tub and eventually fled the scene. The woman suffered minor injuries and the snake did not survive, he said. “They got into an argument over something,” Spaulding said. “Paro went to the cage with the python (took it out) and began beating the female repeatedly with the python.” Paro, after throwing the snake in the hot tub, damaged household furnishings, stole some items and left before police arrived, Spaulding said. The suspect faces charges of domestic assault and battery, larceny over $250, wanton and malicious damage over $250 and cruelty to animals, Spaulding said.

Nothing worse than getting beaten with a snake. Just sucks. Like beat me with a ruler or a pipe or a belt.  Anything but a 4 foot python. I mean it’s already bad enough when you’re getting whooped up on without adding a snake to the mix. Although I think I’d rather get beaten with a snake than have it slither all over me and puke that white shit like Damien used to do with Jake the Snake Roberts. Honestly that was too graphic for an 10 year old to watch. Probably why I’m still so fucking scared of snakes in the first place.

PS – This guy got charged with animal cruelty? Listen nobody loves animals more than me, but since when are snakes animals?  Those things have the devil inside of them.