(Editor’s Note: This is a 100% Fictitious Interview. We made everything up)

 

You can search the country near and far and you won’t find a bigger Nomar Garciaparra fan than El Presidente. Therefore, it has pained me greatly to watch the slow and gruesome demise of my favorite player. Even a Wes Craven movie couldn’t do justice the horror that has befallen poor Nomar since he left Boston. Finally, with Oakland in town I had the chance to sit down with old #5 and talk about the state of his career and his state of mind.

Barstool – First of all Nomar, thanks for taking the time to do this interview with us.

Nomar – No problem, beautiful. I know you guys at the Stool have had my back from the beginning so I wanted to do this for you. Plus, I can’t walk since I just tore my groin again so what else am I going to do to pass the time.

Barstool - In light of all that has happened with you lately, do you ever sit back and wish you took the $60 milllion when the Sox offered it?

Nomar - I think about it from time to time, but it’s not my biggest concern. Listen dude, I’m never gonna to be poor. You’re not going to catch me selling hotdogs at Fenway Park anytime soon. My wife is an International Superstar and my sugar momma. She makes more cash than I do, so we’ll be okay. I don’t want people to worry about Nomar Garciaparra. To be honest, at the time of the contract offer I thought I was worth more than $60 million. Look at what those two pretty boys Arod and Jeter were making at the time. I was better than both those guys until I hurt my wrist. I felt that if I put up another huge year I should be paid like those guys were getting paid. I didn’t know that I was going to get cursed for not signing the contract and suck from that point on. If I knew that I was going to start being horrible I obviously would have signed the deal.

Barstool – Do you still hold any animosity towards the Red Sox?

Nomar - I love the fans. They’re who I played for. And the fans loved me. The media tried to make me seem like a miserable prick because I didn’t like them. But trust me, if you had to deal with Shank and Steve Buckley and the rest of those beat writers you wouldn’t want to talk to them either. As far as the Red Sox go, I only hated three guys when I left. I hated Tom Werner, Larry Lucchino and Kevin Millar. Lucchino and Werner are just snakes. They could care less about Boston or its fans. They care about their image and making money and that’s it. Lucchino is such an arrogant puke that it makes my skin crawl. He’s the type of guy that never played stickball or wiffleball growing up. He’s strictly a business man with no real love for the game. The only player I had any animosity towards was Kevin Millar. Let me ask you this question: If you put everything on the line at your job for 7-straight years and some new kid shows up and starts bashing you before his bags are unpacked, would you like that guy? Of course not! I don’t like guys who talk first and act second. I was always the other way around. Cowboy Up, my ass.

Barstool – You mentioned Dan Shaugnessy, what do you think of the Boston Media in general?

Nomar – Somewhere along the line the Boston Media became confused. Guys like Shaugnessy and Buckley seem to think they are just as important or more so than the actual players themselves. And if these guys feel like they aren’t getting the attention they deserve, they’ll just make something up to cause a controversy and get their names in the headlines. The more outrageous the story, the more the likelihood they’ll end up on WEEI. I’m still pissed about Buckley saying I called the official scorer during the game to change an error. Guy flat out lied. Everyday it seemed like it was a new rumor about me. “Nomar isn’t really hurt.” “Nomar is doing steroids.” The media doesn’t care what they say as long as they get invited onto the Big Show or get to sell a couple extra books. The media roots against the Red Sox. They were happiest when we were losing and unhappy when guys like me are putting up big numbers and quietly going about my business. The media hated me because I didn’t pop off every two seconds like Curt Schilling or Kevin Millar.

Barstool – You mentioned people accusing you of using steroids. What do you think about Bob Ryan’s Steroid allegations?

Nomar – I played in Boston for 7-years. I don’t even know who Bob Ryan is. I only found out about him after he attacked me for no reason and learned that he covers hoops for the Globe. Have you seen what Bob Ryan looks like? It looks like he’s hiding a bowling ball in his crotch. Therefore he accuses anybody who is in shape of being on “roids”. If he took time to call me before printing his story, I would have gladly told him how I got so ripped. What evidence does he have other then I get injured a lot and have an awesome physique. Steroids make you dick shrink right? Have him ask Mia about how I am in the sack. My piece is still working at 120%.

Barstool – So we take it you don’t like Bob Ryan. What do you think of Arod?

Nomar - I think the same thing that everybody else thinks about Arod. He is nothing but a greasy, fast talking used car salesman who needed to cheat to put up Nomar like numbers. Unfortunately, Lucchino and Werner are very similar to Arod and that’s why they wanted him so bad. I wish those clowns got their wish and MLB let them pull the trigger on that trade. Then the Sox wouldn’t have won crap and I would have looked like the hero, instead of the most tragic figure in the history of baseball. We could have changed the name of the curse to the Curse of Arod or the Curse of Nomar. We all know Shaugnessy would have written another book about it too. It’s weird how things work out. Theo and the front office are all legends now even though they just got plain lucky. Contreras should be the #1 with Arod at short stop. How do you think that would have worked out?

Barstool – Were you happy the Red Sox won the World Series when you left?

Nomar – Hell no. I’m human after all. And I’m sick of people asking me this question. I’ve already said how much I despise Lucchino and Werner. It killed me to watch the Sox win the thing. And the way they did it made it 100 times worse. For the majority of my adult life the only thing I wanted to do was win the World Series with the Red Sox. There wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t dream about it. To watch it all go down after I got traded was simply the most painful thing I have ever endured. I guess I’m not mad at Tek and Trot, but that was my team.

Barstool - What did you do with the World Series ring you got?

Nomar – I have it, but I’m never going to wear it. They might as well have flushed 20 grand right down the toilet because I just stuck it in a drawer am going to leave it there until I die and then have it destroyed.

Barstool - Were you sulking at the end of your career in Boston?

Nomar – I wasn’t going out partying with Lucchino and Werner if that’s what you mean. But I played the same way I always did, which is balls out. I had a legitimate ankle injury. I know that Lucchino made it his number 1 priority to dispute whether I was really injured, but trust me, I was. And then that fool Derek Jeter has to go diving head first into the crowd on a routine pop up during a game that I’m sitting out and suddenly everybody says I’ve got no heart and I’m tanking it. It’s sad that the only way people finally believed that I was legitimately injured was when I was traded to the Cubs and was forced to miss a ton of games there, too. Again, how would you like to be at a job for 7 years and have a bunch of new greasy slime bags come in, take over and basically throw everything you’ve accomplished out the window? That’s what happened with me.

Barstool - Do you consider yourself injury prone?

Nomar – This is kind of an unfair question to ask considering it’s a well known fact that I have slow healing genes. I mean why does everybody sympathize with guys like Rocco Baldelli but they make fun of me? The bottom line is that Derek Jeter would barely be able to get out of bet with my disease nevermind play baseball. All I know is I do my best to get my body in the best possible shape every season. I want to win so bad that I’m a freak about working out. You’ve seen how paranoid I am with my batting gloves and crap like that. I’m a perfectionist. I wanted my body to be perfect and I worked harder than any other athlete in the world at getting it there. Plus, I don’t have the face that Jeter and Arod have so I needed to figure out a different way to get the ladies to notice me. I lifted whatever weights my trainer told me to and took whatever strength building pills they gave me. I just did whatever I had to do.

Barstool – People always talk about that cameo you had in the Mia Hamm commercial a couple years ago. Why did you do agree to do that?

Nomar – Dude, she’s my wife. And the way I’m going right now we’re going to need every penny we can get to pay all our bills.

Barstool – Will you ever be back to the player you were?

Nomar – If I can get healthy. A healthy Nomar means .330, 30 HR, 130 RBI.

Barstool: Well Nomar, thanks for taking the time to sit down and clear some of the misconceptions that people have about you. It’s been great speaking with you.

Nomar – No problem, beautiful.