PORTSMOUTHA woman who described herself as an exotic dancer called the police on Sunday to report a theft she claimed occurred when a resident ordered a dance, but refused to answer his door when she arrived. Police Capt. Mike Schwartz said an officer was dispatched to the residence and the man didn’t answer the door for the officer either. But Schwartz disputed the woman’s claim that a theft had occurred. “She never danced, so I would be hard pressed to say it was theft of services,” Schwartz said. “Now if she was a professional doorbell ringer….” The police captain also speculated about what may have occurred. “I guess there are some people who would have a better dance than others,” he said. “Maybe you were expecting Mikhail Baryshnikov and you got someone looking like Mike Schwartz. I wouldn’t answer the door either.”

If this Police Captain doesn’t have an HBO comedy special by sundown tonight there is something seriously wrong with this country. Like I’m not even going to try and blog this story. Captain Schwartz just flat killed it. Just another funny Jew protecting America and being hilarious while he does it. Just described exactly what happened perfectly. Fat girl showed up. No dice. Boom done.