Presenting Barstool Sports’ Sex Scandal Teacher Starting Lineup for 2009, our now-annual All Star roster of the hottest, horniest, most reckless and, above all, deviant hot female teachers of the year. To begin with, I’d like to make a confession. There have been times over the last few years when I lost faith in the wanton lust of our teaching community. Where I worried that the Sex Scandal Teacher well might run dry. In moments of quiet contemplation I’ve asked myself, what if these women stop being sexually attracted to their teenage students? What if all the other scandals that proceeded them… the wrecked careers, the ruined lives, the public humiliation… causes them to think twice, curb their urges and stop banging their pupils once and for all? Then a year like 2009 comes along and you realize we’ve got nothing to worry about. We were mere days into the year before it became abundantly clear we were in for one of the best years ever for teenage boys and fans of teacher debauchery. So without further ado, this year’s lineup:
Leadoff Hitter: Michelle Lynn Dennis
If there’s one defining quality I look for at the top my order, it’s a hitter who’s relentless. Throw out all the stats, I want someone who’s going to set the tone for the rest of my lineup and that’s Michelle Dennis through and through. The 33 year old had sex with two different boys aged 14 & 17, sent over 1,300 texts messages to them, including naked pictures of herself and also sent a text to a friend of one of the lads suggesting a threesome. She’s exactly the kind of table setter you want for this team. She’s fast and doesn’t know the meaning of the word “quit.” Or of the word “self-control.”
The 2-Hole: Christine McCallum
You knew we were in for a special year the moment Christine burst onto the scene. The resident of Abington, former home of our own El Presidente, she’s the classic local girl who made us all proud. She might not be the best looking teacher on the list, but in that way Dustin Pedroia doesn’t have the prettiest swing, you want her in the No. 2 spot because all she does is produce. According to her “victim,” the two had sex over 300 times from the time he was 13 until he turned 15. And it was Barstool that broke the story about the improbable 25 minute marathon when the kid lost his virginity to Christine and the fact that she was working to get the kid the apartment next to her and her husband. 2009 was a proud year for the ‘Bing indeed.
No. 3 Hitter: Adrienne Feistel
Now we get to the power part of the lineup. Adrienne is about as fearless a hitter as we’ve ever seen in this game. After her divorce, the 35 year old Feistel got the family of one of her 12 year old students to let her come live with them. A couple of months later, she began crawling into the lad’s bed and banging him after the rest of the family was asleep. And she didn’t let a little thing like moving out of the kid’s house get in the way of keeping the sexual relationship going. Looks, reckless disregard for decency and a lust for preteen boys puts her right in the key spot in the lineup.
Cleanup: Brittany Johnson
How much power does Brittany provide to this lineup? So much so that even her 14 year old boyfriend’s parents didn’t want to pursue the matter after she sent the kid dozens of emails such as “And oh my gosh did u look hot I can’t wait 4 u 2 play varsity (so) we can hook up on the bus on the way home lol,” “oh yea and in the closet, I so wanted to grab you and pull u in there and shut that door and take full advantage of you… ” and “has anyone ever told u that u have a fine ass and body?” That’s majestic power right there.
5th Spot: Karolyn Nagel
How deep is this year’s roster? So deep that the tenacious Ms. Nagel has to be dropped all the way down to 5, whereas most years, she’d be a cinch to be at the top of the lineup. The 24 year old Karolyn exchanged 1,000 texts with her 17 year old boyfriend, including 200 in one night during a school trip. She was at a booze party in another teacher’s hotel room, ducked out to be with the kid in his room and couldn’t explain where she’d been for 40 minutes. So the other teachers checked her phone and found she and the kid had written to each other, “You better come see me again,” “I’m trying to get people out of my room,” “I want to kiss you right now,” and “I want to make love right now.” No one’s pitching around the clean up hitter with a stud like Nagel hitting 5th.
Batting 6th: Ranee Sue Proper
Ranee is your classic veteran bat that provides protection for the middle of your lineup. Think Mike Lowell. The cougariffic Proper should be wrapping up her 6 month jail sentence for im-Proper relations with two different students, aged 16 & 17 at her house. Exactly the kind of presence and leadership a club needs.
7th Hitter: Deanna Higgins
Deanna is a 27 year old married mother was exchanging texts full of “sexual innuendos” with a 16 year old student. She was also giving the boys extra help with his biology studies, primarily in the front seat of his pickup. She left a pair of panties in the kid’s vehicle, which he handed over to investigators who promptly sniffed them checked them for DNA.
No. 8: Alison Peck
As solid an 8th hitter as we’ve ever had. The 23 year old Alison is a Sex Scandal Rookie Teacher of the Year candidate as well, since in her first year on the job, she started a texting relationship with a 15 year old boy that quickly became sexual. She admits that she boinked the kid several times in her home as well as in a public park.
Bottom of the Order: Helen Goddard
Actually, “bottom of the order” is a bit of a misnomer, because, like Terry Francona, I like to think of my No. 9 hitter as the top of my order the 2nd and 3rd times through the lineup and you want someone down here who won’t clog up the bases. And music teacher Helen “The Jazz Lady” Goddard is built for speed. She’s also arguably the biggest celebrity we’ve ever had here as she was a former child prodigy that played the piano at the opening ceremonies of the 2000 Olympics in Sydney. She’s also the only lesbian on this list, as she was caught with her 15 year old female student an a whole bunch of sex toys. As an added bonus, the girls parents, “two highly educated professionals,” are fine with Helen continuing to seduce their daughter once the girl turns 16.
Manager: Joey Strong
Joey not only brings to the table a plausible Major League manager’s name, she’s got exactly the kind of leadership and organizational skills I’m looking for. She was the girls basketball coach who brought her 16 year old son and his friends along to a tournament. And while there, Strong threw a beer party in her hotel room where she got one of her sons’ buddies drunk and did him. Managing a team is a tough job for anyone, and I prefer a players manager like Joey, that everyone can look up to.
Coaching Staff: Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro
No staff would be complete without these two. While they didn’t actually have sex with any students…. that we know about… Brito and Mauro are instant legends among Sex Scandal Teachers. They’re the ones last month who, in the middle of a school assembly, were caught by the janitor having a naked lesbian sex romp back in the classroom. The kicker is Alini teaches Spanish and Cindy teaches French, so they’re both cunning linguists performing cunnilingus.
If this were solely on the basis of looks, these two would be an iron locks. But all we’ve got to go on with her is the scant details of “inappropriate activity” with a 15 year old. That’s it. To give them spots just on the basis of natural ability would be a disservice to all the silly, stupid reckless women who worked so hard to get here and I don’t want to send that kind of message to the team.
And so we bring to a close another successful year of perverted, horny, sex-crazed educators. Here’s hoping 2010 will bring us as much joy as ‘08 (click here for the ’08 Lineup) and ‘09 did. But sleep safe knowing that wherever there’s a teacher sending naked texts of herself to a student, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a hot cougar plying a teenage boy with Light Beer in order to get into his pants, I’ll be there. That so long as there are highly educated but sexually deviant women ready to throw a career and a pension away just to make a kid barely out of puberty into a hero in front of all his classmates, I’ll be there.
And if you come across any such stories in 2010 and want to be part of this worthy cause, send them along to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Happy New Year, sickos.