There were times early on in 2010 that I was afraid the whole Sex Scandal Teacher thing had run its course. That maybe, just maybe, America’s teachers had seen one after another of their own get caught, ruin their careers and sometimes go to jail and decided en masse to start getting their freak on with guys their own age. Little did I know then that it would end up being perhaps the best year for depraved teachers, ever.
So here, without further ado, is your 2010 Sex Scandal Teacher Starting Lineup:
Batting Leadoff: Jennifer Lee Rojas
There’s one quality I like at the top of the lineup more than any other. Sure, I like ‘em fast. But more important than that, I like ‘em tenacious. I like a battler. A grinder who’s never going to give in and sets the tone for the rest of the lineup. A real pain-in-the-ass in the mold of a Johnny Damon or Derek Jeter. And that’s our girl Jennifer to a tee. This science teacher from Ft. Worth, TX visited one of her 16 year old students in the hospital where he was recovering from a football injury and boned him right there in his hospital bed. Like Buck did in “Kill Bill Vol. I,” only in reverse. And unlike The Bride, the kid’s plumbing was definitely working since somewhere along the way he got Jennifer pregnant. Sex with a teenage student, in a public place, without protection? That’s exactly the kind of recklessness I’m looking for to start things off.
2nd: Nicole Chapman
Just like the top spot, in the 2-hole I want a grinder. Someone who doesn’t know the meaning of the words “quit” or “give in.” Or “inappropriate sexual contact.” Nicole here was banging her 19 year old student named Devaughia Snipes. Which would be a non-story except Devaughia is a mentally handicapped student at a Cleveland school for special needs kids. And the best part of the story is that my man Devaughia is the greatest “victim” in the history of these stories, coming right out and saying “I ain’t no victim. I love her and she loves me, so as far as that goes. They are not going to stop me from seeing her so it don’t matter.” Amen, brother Davaughia! Testify! With those simple words, he not only became the Rosa Parks of the Sex Scandal Student movement, he proved himself to be the most badass black guy named Snipes on the planet.
Hitting 3rd: Marcie Rousseau
Now we’re entering the power part of our lineup, and Marcie Rousseau is pure production. Those crazy sex eyes. The Snooki hair. Showing skin in the courtroom. Plus she not only was cheating on her husband with one of her students, she was boinking, according to the kid, “everyone else” including her assistant principal who quit his job. Bonus: the kid testified in court he once ran six miles to Marcie’s house to do her, a story that will sound even more dramatic when he’s telling it to his own kids someday when they’re asking for a ride to the mall. But any teacher who can inspire that kind of effort belongs in the heart of this order.
Cleanup: Diana Canter
Diana is the Manny Ramirez of this lineup. Not a ton of effort on her part, but she earns the cleanup spot on the basis of pure talent. Her resume… allegedly having sex with a minor who came forward to report her to the police… is the Sex Scandal Teacher equivalent of not running out pop ups. But there’s no denying her ability in the looks department. She’s like a Ghostbusters-era Sigourney Weaver. And like I always say, you can’t teach looks. Here’s a scouting report on Diana from one of her own students on ratemyteacher.com: “The next teacher you’ll see on the news. Wants the cute guys to drool and the lonely girls to be in her click [sic].” I don’t know about the lonely girls, but mission accomplished on the rest.
5-Hole: Lisa Lavoie
Lisa, the pride of Holyoke, is our local entry. How’s this for protecting the heart of your order? Some years, Lisa would be the star in his lineup. She fled the state with her 15 year old boyfriend, took him all the way to Morgantown, WV and was arrested in a hotel room with the lad. And she plead guilty to having a sexual relationship with him and now she’s facing 3-to-5 years of jail time. You just can’t get that kind of grit and determination anywhere. Plus she kind of looks like Bristol Palin, only a couple of years older, with less baby fat. And Bristol dates older men than Lisa does.
6th Spot: Megan Baumann
This really is a tribute to the depth of the field this year. Because Megan is not only a cute blonde, she’s also facing jail time. She’s plead guilty in Tennessee to drabbing one student’s package through his clothes, texting pictures of her “nude chest and pubic region” to another, and having sex with yet a third kid and following that up with sending him nude texts as well. Talk about your 5-tool players…
Batting 7th: Amy Beck
The best part of Amy’s story, apart from her poor man’s Denise Richards looks, is that she walked into the Burbank, CA police station and confessed to having sex with a 14 year old student. The official version is that she was “overcome with guilt,” but I’m not buying it. Amy is like Kevin Spacey in “Se7en,” she wanted to get caught because she wanted to be famous. She wanted to go down in history as one of the best. Worthy of being mentioned on Barstool Sports. Congratulations, Amy. You made it.
8th: Sharon Janelle Souza
Sharon is charged with the old “oral copulation of a minor” in Live Oaks, CA. She’s hot. She’s 43. She was a school “health aide,” librarian and Cheerios coach. So here we have my MILF, naughty nurse, horny librarian and cheerleader fantasies covered in one woman. She’s like a walking lineup of late night Skinemax movies.
9 Hole: Lindsay Dunaj
Even though she taught in New York, Lindsay still counts as a local girl, since she’s originally from Wibraham. And she did the Commonwealth proud. Lindsay was teaching chemistry to immigrant kids at International High, a public school in Brooklyn. The senior prom was being held on a harbor cruise. And toward the end of the night, the giant video monitor on board caught Lindsay on the dance floor, grinding up on and furiously making out with one of the students. A school investigation later uncovered the emails she had been sending back and forth with another student, whom she’d been banging for months. For all this and the fact that I’ve got a thing for nerdy looking chicks and Lindsay reminds me a little of Linda Cardellini in the Scooby Doo movies, means she’s perfect to set the table for the top of the lineup.
Manager & Bench Coach: Sarah Jane Lindsay and Audrey Beidleman Grabarkiewicz
What these two lack in looks, they make up for in brains, leadership and organizational skills. It takes a lot of acumen to do what these ladies did: throw a series of parties for kids as young as 11 (!!!), provide them with booze and pot and have sex with the ones who were 16 or over. THAT is how you command a clubhouse.
Biggest Disappointment: Melinda Dennehy
Melinda is the teacher from Londonderry, NH who got charged with indecent exposure over some cell phone pic of her that was making the rounds at the school. She looked great in the one photo I had of her. I sent up the Bat Signal to all the New Hampshire Stoolies asking for the picture. I was bombarded with emails from guys who said they would get it to me and that there was much more to the story. And then… nothing. Crickets. All I got was her mugshot which made her look more like a transsexual than a world class Sex Scandal Teacher. A bitter disappointment all around.
Toughest Omission: Sarah Pirie
Sarah is a teacher who was accused of banging her 15 year old male student in hotels all across the country. The kid wouldn’t cooperate with authorities though so they made a plea deal of taking him away without proper authority or somesuch boring nonsense. Anyway, this would be a great story were it not for the fact that 1) She teaches ballet, and 2) This all took place in England. Americans are losing ground to the rest of the world in every other field of endeavor; I can’t let foreigners take a spot on this list, too.
So that’s it. The end of another great year. And as we stand at the dawn of 2011, I promise you that wherever a depraved teacher is seducing her students, I’ll be there. Wherever some insane MILF is texting naked pictures of herself to a 15 year old boy, I’ll be there. As long as there are professional educators without the common sense to keep their vaginas off the teenage boys in their care, I’ll be there. Happy New Year, Sex Scandal Teachers everywhere. And thank you.