Aristotle once said “Those who educate children are more to be honored than they who produce them.” So true. But even more importantly another great philosopher, Rodney Dangerfield, said “I love having sex with schoolteachers. If you do something wrong they make you do it over again.” Well fortunately for us, 2013 was yet another banner year for teachers having sex and doing it over again. And I’m here to honor them.
It’s a funny thing. When complied the first ever list of legendarySex Scandal Teachers and organized them into a batting order as a blog idea on a slow news day, I assumed it would be a one shot deal. Then as more and more of these hot, depraved public servants kept seducing their students, I kept it up. But I always assumed at some point these lunatics would smarten up, stop throwing their lives and careers away and eventually the Sex Scandal Teacher well would run dry. But no more. I’ve long since realized that as long as there are rapidly aging MILFs exposed to a steady stream of horny teenage boys, the SST industry will boom. And as long as they do, I’ll be here, doing my part. Serving as the World’s foremost authority on sex-crazed (female) teachers banging their (male) students. Because deep down in places you don’t like to talk about at parties, you want me on that SST wall. You need me on that SST wall.
Presenting the 2013 Sex Scandal Teacher Starting Lineup:
Leadoff Hitter: Tonya Flink, Texas
Anyone who’s ever read the Lineup of past years knows I like a scrappy, aggressive leadoff hitter. A tone-setter. Someone who’ll be a pain-in-the-ass to opposing pitchers and take a lot of pitches. Well no one took more pitches this year than Tonya Flink. Or more penises. This conservative looking 39 year old mother of three seduced at least four of her students. She allegedly had a preference for Hispanic kids, and with one she exchanged 850 texts and made “hundreds” of calls to another. Her MO was to offer them help with their homework, get them alone and then do “everything you could imagine” to them. Which is quite a claim, since I can imagine a lot. Tonya’s pure tenacity can set my table anytime.
2-Spot: Clarice Lee, Arizona
Is Clarice Lee the most natural talent on this list? No. But her guts and determination wins her a spot in front of the more gifted players. This Phys Ed teacher “spontaneously” grabbed three kids she knew just from passing them in the hallway and brought them into an empty gym where she boned the 16 year old while simultaneously having “sexual contact” with the two 18 year olds while a fourth kid took a cell phone video. That is Grit and Balls. Literally.
No. 3 Hitter: Lauren Harrington-Cooper, Pennsylvania
Lauren was a late season entry who went from obscurity right to the heart of the order. And she did so with a combination of pure ability and off-the-charts production. This 31 year old was on lunch duty when she spotted a senior in the school cafeteria. So she got ahold of the kid’s sister, told her her brother is “hot” and got his number. Eventually the kid’s parents caught him texting her and alerted the cops. LHC admitted to regularly swinging by the lad’s house, picking him up and banging (three times) and giving him BJ’s (twice). And she inadvertently gave us the SST motto for the ages: “In a world where you can be anything… Be a Sex Scandal Teacher.”
Clean Up: Laura Whitehurst, California
The 4th spot in the lineup is all about measurables, and Laura Whitehurst’s are off-the-charts. You don’t have to be a Sabremetrician to appreciate this advanced stat: 1. That is the number of babies she had with her 16 year old student. Laura and the kid began their sexual activity at a school activity over the summer. And presumably since school wasn’t in session condoms weren’t available. And you’re not gonna NOT let the kid finish inside you, right? Power gets defined in a lot of ways, but never more so that getting yourself knocked up. Nothing says “production” like reproduction.
5 Hole: Rachelle Gendron, Massachusetts
Forgive me for being provincial, but I’m partial to having a Mass girl in the middle of my order. Rachelle Gendron is a Sex Ed teacher from Fitchburgh who brought real world application to the classroom for one 14 year old boy. Police recovered dozens of nude texts of Rachelle’s “breasts and genital area” off the kid’s phone. Like with the Red Sox, the SST Lineup is not a place for the shy or the introverted so I want a true shameless Masshole chick right here.
No. 6 Hitter: Brianne Altice, Utah
More pure power to offer protection to the heart of the order. A kid told police he did it with Brianne at least five times at her house and another time in a park, and accurately described both the layout of the place and ID’ed tattoos on her body. She denies the kids’ version; saying she only had sex with him “at least twice.” He said/ She said. What’s not in dispute is that this little dangerette belongs on his squad.
No. 7 Spot: Diana Leigh Farnell, North Carolina
I love this chick. There’s nothing flashy about her. She does nothing spectacular. There was nothing in her story about sext messages or threesomes or videos. She’s just a hot teacher who ‘fessed up to having sex with a 16 year old student. And she takes a hell of a mugshot. Just your classic throwback Sex Teacher.
8-Hole: Jo O’Neill-McBurney, Northern Ireland
This frollicksome Irish lass shot a 30 minute sex tape with the 16 year old student she was banging and it made it to porn sites all over the world. Now I don’t want to deny anyone the chance to see the video. Nor to I want my fingerprints anywhere with an Irish country mile of a porn with an underage kid in it. But if you want to click the link above and find the link posted in the comment section under my original blog… that’s between you and your God.
9th Spot: Nikki Scherwitz, Texas
Again, not the hottest chick in the SST game. But I’m one of those guys who regards the No. 9 hitter as a second leadoff guy. And Nikki has a good leadoff man’s capacity for grinding out at bats. She showed up uninvited to a Prom Night house party, barefoot and in a ripped belly shirt. She was told to leave the party so she loudly declared she would. With her 16 year old boyfriend. The kid immediately walked out with her in front of the entire houseful of people and they presumably went off and did the deed. Anyone with Nikki’s flair for the dramatic isn’t going to shy away from the Big Moment.
Blonde Starter: Kinsley Wentzky, South Carolina
This adorable 34 year old married jock-sniffer spent a lot of time around the baseball team who admitted to boinking one of the players in his home. Her looks are the kind of talent you can’t teach, and I just want the ball in her hands with the season on the line.
Brunette Starter: Jennalin Garcia-Calle, New Jersey
In a starter you need talent, but you also need guts. Jennalin proved what she’s made of by having sex with a kid right in her classroom. She and the boy would lock the door and draw the curtains and have at it while school was in session. That is not the actions of someone who’ll back down when the team is counting on her.
Manager: Carly McKinney, Colorado
Carly McKinney can’t be on the team because she did not actually have sex with any students (that we know about). But she did post dozens of semi-naked photos to her Twitter page @CarlyCrunkBear. And made no bones about the fact that she loves her some weed (pun intended). Her Tweets included “Naked. Wet. Stoned” and one admitting that she had pot in her car parked in the staff parking lot. Any chick with that kind of judgement I want leading my squad.
Promising Rookie: Kaylee Warnick, New Jersey
Kaylee is a first year teacher who broke burst onto the scene by doing a 15 year old in her rookie season. And she sidelines as a home tutor, so she’s actually doing pioneering work in the field of bringing the sex TO the student, which could be a whole new business model. She could do for SST-ing what Amazon did to bookstores and Netflix did to Blockbuster.
Best Prospect: Crista Nicole Deweese, Texas
Crista is not accused of sleeping with kids either. Unfortunately. But she was a Playboy Girl Next Door and in her interview admitted she’s a teacher. Apparently one of her students is the last kid on Earth who still goes on Playboy.com because someone connected the dots and figured out who she is. Anyway, here’s her NSFW photo spread. Let her example inspire future generations of world class hotties to get into the teaching profession.
Biggest Disappointments: Shannon Fox, North Carolina
…And: Alicia Gray, Alabama
There’s nothing not to love about either of these crazed MILFs except there was really nothing to their stories. They reportedly got arrested because something allegedly occurred between them and a suspected victim, yada yada yada. We can only hope that something really did happen and it was something good because it would be a sin to squander looks like theirs on false accusations. As DeNiro says in “A Bronx Tale,” the saddest thing in life is wasted talent.
Toughest Omission: Brooke Lynn Domel, Texas
It’s says everything about how good a year 2013 has been that Brook Lynn couldn’t crack the lineup. Even with the body of an ex-beauty queen and the feathered blonde hair of a 1970s Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, there was just too much talent for her. She even teaches Floral Design, Landscape Management and Animal Science (apparently Hagrid is still Keeper of the Keys), which would’ve given her the goofiest job titles in SST history. But her details were way to scant to knock anyone out.
Second Toughest Omission: Tonya Harris, Colorado
Tonya Harris is that kid who’s all heart and very little talent that makes your heart break you have to cut her. She is a school lunch lady who went to a party, had sex with a guy “while numerous individuals watched,” then dragged a 17 year old student and a 20 year old guy into a bedroom where they did a 3-way. And when other people pushed the door in, she and her two best new buds kept it going. As Ara Parseghian told Rudy, “Tonya, I wish I could put your heart into some of these other, way more attractive teachers’ bodies.”
And so another great year of Grading the Newest Sex Scandal Teacher comes to a close. Ladies… all you depraved, insane, horny lunatics… a new year is about to begin. Let’s get out there and try to top it. And I’ll be here to make you legends. Here’s to 2014. @JerryThornton1
Past SST Starting Lineups: