The Biggest Douchebag in Reality TV History
I know I’m one of two men left in America still watching “Survivor.” Unfortunately the other runs Barstool and he’s out of the country, so I’m the only one left who can bear witness to the most pluperfect douchebag in the history of reality TV, if not TV period. He goes by the name of Coach (because he’s a soccer coach you see, and who wouldn’t want to proudly identify himself with that noble profession) and to watch him in action is to see the art of assclownery perfected. If my sainted mother taught me anything, it’s that everyone has some sort of redeeming quality, but mom never met Coach. Survivor always has dicks, but he’s the ultimate dick. Every season some hippie does yoga, but Coach goes to lengths to let everyone know he does a special kind of yoga from Tibet that you can’t Google, it’s only been passed down by word of mouth. As if his soccer coaching wasn’t douchey enough, he likes to remind the other castaways every chance he gets that he conducts a symphony orchestra. What symphony and what orchestra he will not say, but he does refer to himself as a “Maestro” like he’s Bob Cobb.
Because that’s what you do when your an un-self-aware dickweed: you give yourself nicknames. Lots and lots of nicknames. Coach. Maestro. The last two episodes, at least ten times he’s tried to take credit for a plot to vote somebody off that he’s had nothing to do with and saying “I cut the head off the dragon, hence I call myself Dragon Slayer.”
But last night was Coach’s masterpiece. A bizarre, pointless and totally preposterous story about how he once was dropped by helicopter into the Amazon and while he was kayaking it he got captured by tribesmen who tied him up in their tent and threatened to eat his ass… you read that correctly… until he undid his ropes, escaped and kayaked away. He left out the part about how he avoided their poison darts, flew to Tibet, got the headpiece to the staff of Ra and saved the Ark of the Covenant. I have very zero tolerance for delusional, tall tale telling phonies, but once in a great while you find someone so completely full of shit they’re actually fascinating. Ordinarily I pray for guys like him to get voted off in Week 1, but this guy is such a train wreck I pray he makes it to the final show. Then gets killed by natives.
Jerry Thornton | Random Thoughts | 04/17/09, 4:40 pm |
31 People have left comments on this post
I watch Survivor. I cant stand Coach and his pet Tyson. All the hot babes got voted off and Brendon who was the coolest guy is now gone. Im fucking pissed. Why does everyone bend over for this guy beats the hell out of me.
survivor fucking blows
i got to be honest. when pres left i thought we wouldn’t be exposed to any homoerotic pictures on the site. i guess i was wrong.
CEO of my company is douchey with the tale tales. Claiming he did stuff with special forces when he was in the army. Claims he went to Cuba to put a deposit on some property for when the embargo is lifted. etc.
The reality is if he dressed in a white polo, green pants, and lost the glasses he’s a dead ringer for peeeee-teeer griffin.
GREEN DEATHHHHHHHHH
GawDAMN I love the word “pluperfect” !
By the way and just out of pure freaking annoyed curiosity, how come it’s so hard to log into this new forum system??
» Clint Oris said: { Apr 17, 2009 – 04:04:05 }
Damn that’s one hell of a story! Do tell more!
-Clint Oris
I used to work with one of them. Ex Marine. My favorite couldn’t-possibly-be-true story was about the guy who flew the jet so fast under the Sagamore Bridge that he blew out every window along the Cape Cod canal.
Guys like them and Coach leave you wondering if THEY believe the bullshit they’re telling you.
bob cobb…terrific.
I fucking hate this guy the way Jerry hates fat people.
looks like we’re back to the ghey here a BSS.
i am with jerry… i hated coach for a while, but last night i think he gave one of the most legendary off the wall unintentional comedic performances of all time….
the only thing that could have been funnier is if he actually got booted last night… i can’t wait for his reaction when he does get voted out….
“be the wizard!…. be the wizard!”
Coach is the man and hes taking home the Survivor championship. That cat has some serious game and you guys shouldnt hate on it.
Akrobatik, i guess youll have to find a new dude to jerk off to on Thursday nights now that Brendon got the X
He left out the part about how he avoided their poison darts, flew to Tibet, got the headpiece to the staff of Ra and saved the Ark of the Covenant.
Nice work. Everyone knows a waste of spunk like that guy. My story is better than your story, I saved everyone, I was a millionaire, I did top secret missions in Russia, my ex-wife is a supermodel, and on and on. It’s tough because the best thing to do is ignore them-it drives them nuts, but you want to just call them out. It’s a waste of time-they never have evidence and there are always stupid bimbos who buy it. The population of douchebags like that guy has doubled in the last year.
I have to change my handle to ihaveaidstoo this blog is getting so gay today.
Its not a gay post till Soog the Sandy Mensturating Vagina shows up.
Cue it..
» bubbamark said: { Apr 17, 2009 – 04:04:13 }
Does anyone else feel like this is highschool all over again when you get a sub for your teacher?!
yes!
At work we called that guy “Topper” because any story you had, he would top it. He never did figure it out on his own, somebody narked us out and he stayed pissed for weeks… makes me smile to think about it.
bob ryan on pti when asked buy or sell for phil jackson saying hed start his fantasy nba team around dwight howard:
“is phil back on the weed?”
hahahaha
IS THAT DAVE HANSON?
That pic alone deserves death penalty.
Top 10 DBag of all time, right up there with this DBag
http://boston.3432.voxcdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/presweb.jpg
My ADD Kicked in, never made it throiugh the first paragraph, never mind the following 12…
weezy
saw that ryan comment also. everyone else on the panel was shocked it was awesome.
where is the goddamn smokeshow
it was like they all thought the word “weed” should be censored. like woody paige isnt getting retarded RIGHT NOW
STEVE PERRRYYY…..SSSTTTEEEVVVVEEEEE PPPEEEERRRRRYYYYYYY
I’m such an idiot I actually fell for the “coach is getting blindsided” storyline….FUCK!!
I hope that delusional shitbag doesn’t make it to the final
ahahahaha this is hilarious
Akrobatik–
I disagree–Tyson is my favorite. He says the smart ass things I’m thinking while watching all these idiots.
And well, yes… Coach is quite possibly the biggest douche to have ever played the game… well, him and Randy from last season.. but at least Randy was funny.
“Lost” or “sex in the city”? I never watched one episode. You other guys, don’t let you old lady take the “Is you man gay?” test. It won’t come out well for you.
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