I know I’m one of two men left in America still watching “Survivor.” Unfortunately the other runs Barstool and he’s out of the country, so I’m the only one left who can bear witness to the most pluperfect douchebag in the history of reality TV, if not TV period. He goes by the name of Coach (because he’s a soccer coach you see, and who wouldn’t want to proudly identify himself with that noble profession) and to watch him in action is to see the art of assclownery perfected. If my sainted mother taught me anything, it’s that everyone has some sort of redeeming quality, but mom never met Coach. Survivor always has dicks, but he’s the ultimate dick. Every season some hippie does yoga, but Coach goes to lengths to let everyone know he does a special kind of yoga from Tibet that you can’t Google, it’s only been passed down by word of mouth. As if his soccer coaching wasn’t douchey enough, he likes to remind the other castaways every chance he gets that he conducts a symphony orchestra. What symphony and what orchestra he will not say, but he does refer to himself as a “Maestro” like he’s Bob Cobb.

Because that’s what you do when your an un-self-aware dickweed: you give yourself nicknames. Lots and lots of nicknames. Coach. Maestro. The last two episodes, at least ten times he’s tried to take credit for a plot to vote somebody off that he’s had nothing to do with and saying “I cut the head off the dragon, hence I call myself Dragon Slayer.”

But last night was Coach’s masterpiece. A bizarre, pointless and totally preposterous story about how he once was dropped by helicopter into the Amazon and while he was kayaking it he got captured by tribesmen who tied him up in their tent and threatened to eat his ass… you read that correctly… until he undid his ropes, escaped and kayaked away. He left out the part about how he avoided their poison darts, flew to Tibet, got the headpiece to the staff of Ra and saved the Ark of the Covenant. I have very zero tolerance for delusional, tall tale telling phonies, but once in a great while you find someone so completely full of shit they’re actually fascinating. Ordinarily I pray for guys like him to get voted off in Week 1, but this guy is such a train wreck I pray he makes it to the final show. Then gets killed by natives.