FloridaA female caregiver was arrested today and charged with sexually assaulting a 106-year-old woman in her care, according to cops. Taquita Lashay Watson, 29, had been providing in-home care to the bedridden victim, according to the Pensacola Police Department. Investigators determined that Watson last month had “used a sexual instrument” on the elderly woman… The victim told police that Watson–who she knew as “Q”–assaulted her with a six-inch “peter” that she removed from her purse along with a jar of Vaseline. The woman told police that Watson “pulled her pants and diaper down and told her that this ‘would make her feel good.’”

So to review: Our old gal here was born in, what? 1906.  Three years after the Wright brothers invented heavier-than-air human flight.  Which means she survived: World War I, polio, The Great Depression, World War II, the nuclear age, the Cold War, JFK’s assassination, social upheaval, the rise of global terrorism, countless natural disasters and the 2011-12 Red Sox.  So you’d think as she’s warming up in Death’s Great Bullpen, she could feel pretty good about things.  She could look back at a life well lived and be happy in her last moments.  But nope. Not with Taquita and the peter coming along and spoiling the party.  So this is what we all have to look forward to?  This is why I try so hard to outlive my dad and all his brothers?  Why I try to fight the genetics of the Thornton family ticker by getting checkups, taking cholesterol pills and going to the gym?  So that when I’m taking a knee to run out the final ticks on my clock, some minimum wage stranger can come into my home and rape me with a six-inch dildo?  Thanks, but no thanks.  If some home health aid wants me to “feel good,” put me on record right now as requesting a case of single malt, a box of Cubans, some Alison Brie YouTubes and a loaded gun for when I’ve finally decided the game is over.  But I’ll choose what goes in and out of my diaper if you don’t mind.

As horrific as this story is, one thing is isn’t?  Surprising.  If you’ve ever dealt with these home health aids, you know that they’re all either the dregs who washed out of nursing school or are basically unemployable.  I did a comedy show a while back for a group of them.  I’m sure it was 4 years ago because I was doing bits about the Olympics and caught on fast that they hadn’t the first clue what I was talking about.  As in they had never seen a minute of it.  So I asked “What do you guys watch?” and to a woman they all said “Jerry Springer! Jer-REE! Jer-REE! Jer-REE!” I promised myself right then and there I would welcome the sweet release of death before I’d let one of these lowlifes care for me at the end of my days.  And frankly I think by only getting molested with a sex toy, this 106 year old got off easy. It could’ve been much worse.  @JerryThornton1