In every field of human endeavor, upsets happen. There are no guarantees. As Lawrence of Arabia put it when everyone kept telling him “It is written”, “Nothing is written.” And Lord knows nobody’s had that lesson crammed up their asses like the people of New England in the last four years. But every once in a while an upset happens that is so egregious, to a team that is so heavily favored, that you’re left with no choice but to question the manhood of every single member of the favorites. And this season of “Survivor” is one such case. Forget the Romans getting beat at home by the Vandals, the Dauphin blowing a huge lead to Henry V at Agincourt or the British Empire losing on the road to the Colonists. The men getting trounced by the women on “Survivor: One World” is the biggest choke in the history of mankind. This has been more like watching the alien invaders lose to the Earthlings in “Independence Day.” Just an inexcusable gag job the likes of which has never been seen before.
If you don’t know, this year they decided not only to split the tribes up into Men vs Women, they stuck them on the same beach. Separate camps, but within feet of each other. And the women proved they were capable of nothing. Literally. The men had a fire going in less time than it would’ve taken with a butane torch. And less than a minute later the chicks came begging for some. They couldn’t build a shelter. Or fish. They couldn’t have won a challenge if (like the old line about Terry Bradshaw) it was spelling “CAT” and Jeff Probst spotted them the “C” and the “A.” Even their social game sucked. It was so blatantly transparent they were trying to charm these nitwits into doing stuff for them they should’ve been laughed off the goddamned island.
But it worked. Playing for a million bucks, they fell for it. What should’ve been a total sausagefest as we got to the end instead looks like a bachelorette party. They’re down to the Final 5 and there’s not a man among them. And the only reason the last man lasted until last night is because Tarzan was a useful idiot who’d finally outlived his usefulness. The rest of these dildoes let the girls complete bamboozle them, be tougher and stronger than them in challenges and strategize circles around them. Pathetic. And a disgrace to men everywhere. So bad that before the finale show Sunday night, everyone of them should do the noble thing, open a vein and bleed out so they won’t have to face the world after this. And so they won’t procreate and piss in the gene pool any more than they already have. @JerryThornton1
PPS. Here’s the part where everyone rips me and Dave for watching “Survivor.” Have at it.