vineyardh – A lot of people are worried about how the new ABC Family reality show “The Vineyard,” set on Martha’s Vineyard, will portray islanders and summer people. Will this “Laguna Beach”-type series insult locals like those two other recent attempts to bring Massachusetts to the nation, A&E’s atrocious “Southie Rules” and VH1’s hideous “Wicked Single”? ABC Family has assembled 11 mannequins for “The Vineyard” who are so plastic, so Barbie and Ken, so perfectly put together, that they might as well have come marching off a factory line. They’re all actors — I mean models — I mean real people — who preen and prance in bathing suits, while reducing themselves to types to enact little textbook coming-of-age dramas. By the way, the cast is broken into two other groups, the pretties and the uglies, except that the second group contains no people at all. There isn’t even a single token ugly hanging around the house to make the pretties look even prettier. All these beauties work for the Black Dog restaurant and live together, “Real World”-style, in an attractive ocean side home. In the premiere, Tuesday night at 10, we see the gang meeting one another, with the hunks immediately setting their sights on specific babes. Blond Katie, who delivers a voice-over about using the summer to reassess her life and decide if she wants to stay with her boyfriend, becomes an object of much desire. On some reality shows, the characters seem partly real and partly the creations of the director; on “The Vineyard,” the characters seem almost entirely designed by the director, as if the cast members have been given extremely precise instructions.

This sounds like the dumbest show of all time. And I’m not saying that for the reasons that the Globe said. Like whoever wrote this article is clearly fat and gross and hates attractive people. It’s Hoss Goldstein/Globe 101. Seriously I’ve never seen anybody so mad that a fake reality show features only hot people before in my life. Hey newsflash nobody wants to watch ugly people. That’s why they’re ugly. Instead my problem is who shoots a show like this on the Vineyard? White trash city. You want to marry JFK? You want to be elite? Nantucket all day everyday off camera everyway. Seriously they might as well have shot this at Nantasket or Hampton Beach. I mean do they even have Phosferesence on the Vineyard? No chance.