The Worst Sports Dads of All Time

Father’s Day is upon us once again. And for those of you who plan to reward Dad for a lifetime of slaving and sacrificing to make a decent life for you by getting him a crappy tie or a lousy golf book, I’d like to remind you that fatherhood is no walk in the park. And not everyone is cut out to be a dad. While my life might be all tender loving moments, sharing life lessons while having a catch, and heart-to-heart talks on the way back from the fishin’ hole, it’s not like that for everyone. The world of pro sports is chock full of lousy fathers. Insane, abusive, megalomaniacal jerkoffs, exploitative hangers on and neglectful, deadbeat babydaddies who breed like rats, all of whom make your father seem like Cliff Huxtable by comparison. Presenting a countdown of the All Time Worst Fathers in Pro Sports:

15. Earl Woods

By most accounts Tiger’s dad was a decent enough guy. He certainly succeeded in raising the best athlete of his generation and a one man conglomerate. But Earl sneaks onto the bottom of this list anyway due to the fact that even in Tiger’s unparalleled success, he’s failed to live up to dad’s expectations. In 1996 he told reporters “Tiger is the Chosen One. The world will be a better place to live in by virtue of his existence.” Good as Tiger is, the last I looked we didn’t have peace on Earth and armies beating their swords into plowshares because he won the Greater Hartford Open.

14. Elijah Dukes

The Washington… excuse me… the Troubled Washington Nationals outfielder’s baseball career has barely gotten off the ground, but his lousy father career is flourishing. He not only has 6 kids from 4 different women, but he’s rumored to be expecting baby No. 7 from fertile egg No. 5.

13. Marshall Faulk

One thing Rich Eisen won’t be asking Marshall about on NFL Total access are his 6 kids by 3 different women.

12. Marv Marinovich

Marv father was a lineman for USC and later became the conditioning coach for the Raiders. But his pet project was his son Todd, whom he bred for one purpose: to be the perfect QB. He never had a Twinkie, a Ding Dong, a Coke or anything with processed sugar in it. Marv’s plan worked to an extent as Todd got a full boat to play for USC. The flaw in the plan was that once Todd hit Irvine, the urges Marv kept a lid on all came out at once. It was like the time Bart Simpson gave Rod & Todd Flanders Pixie Stix, and the results were not pretty. Todd started boozing, smoking weed and went from being called “Roboquarterback” to “Marijuana-vich.” He was the 24th overall pick for Oakland in the 1991 draft but was out of the NFL for good by ‘92.

11. Derrick Thomas

When Thomas died at the age of 33, Kansas City basically held a state funeral for him. He was laid out like a dead pope at Arrowhead stadium while thousands of Chiefs fans filed past him. Presumably among the mourners where his 7 illegitimate kids and 5 babymamas.

10. Richard Williams

Credit where it’s due, Papa Williams has turned out two of the most gifted tennis players of their generation. And in spite of the fact that they’ve grown up in a fish bowl, they’ve managed to avoid controversy. Instead, they’ve subcontracted all the crazy out to dad. Early in their careers he took to holding up bizarro signs at all their matches that, while poorly written and illegible, got their point across which was “Hey everybody! Look at me! My daughters are accomplished!!! ” Last year he tailed his daughters to India where he gave an interview that said, ironically enough, that he hates people who glom on to tennis to make themselves famous.

9. Shawn Kemp

The Reign Man was never wore a rain coat. 7 illegitimate kids by 6 women.

8. Willie Anderson

One of his daughters plays for the U of Tennessee-Chattanooga. But the Anderson family goes 4-deep on the bench as she’s got 8 half-sisters and half-brothers by 8 other moms.

7. Marc O’Hair

PGA Tour pro Shawn O’Hair’s father gave an interview to “60 Minutes II” where he said he’s a businessman and sees the child he brought into the world as a commodity he can turn a profit on. To increase the ROA on this asset, the elder O’Hair would make his teenage son run a mile for every bogey and stroke over par among other abuses. He then made the kid turn pro at the age of 17. Later he sent a 17 page fax to the Golf Channel calling them “blood sucking media types.” Today Shawn O’Hair is a 3-time tour winner but isn’t talking to his father, who says the kid owes him $2 million.

6. Evander Holyfield

Holyfield never entered a ring without the Lord being in his corner. So in his honor, Evander was fruitful and multiplied to the tune of 9 illegitimate kids

5. John Piersall

Not a lot is known about Jimmy Piersall’s dad other than his kid blamed him for his mental breakdown. The younger Piersall was a decent bat/great glove Centerfielder, primarily for the Red Sox. When the butter slipped off his noodle, Jimmy ended up in a mental institution, which doctors blamed on his psychotic, hard driving father who lived vicariously through him. Jimmy wrote a book about it that was turned into a cheesy movie starring Anthony Perkins. The pivotal and most poorly acted scene comes when Jimmy, sitting in a rubber room, tells a doctor “My father is a great man Why, if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be where I am today Gasp ” [Cue the dramatic, D-minor piano chord]. And a whole industry of blaming dad for your shortcomings was born.

4. Jason Caffey

Caffey’s career with the Milwaukee Bucks ended in 2008 due to anxiety attacks. You’d have anxiety too if you owed child support to 8 women for your 10 kids.

3. Jim Pierce

Former tennis player Mary Pierce’s dad is arguably the only tennis parent in the world with a rule named after them. The “Jim Pierce Rule” prohibits abusive language on the part of players relatives. Jimbo inspired it (read: made it necessary) after screaming “Mary, kill the bitch ” in one match and punching out a spectator at the 1993 French Open. Later Mary got a restraining order against him after which he attacked her bodyguard and later sued her claiming she owed him a piece of her winnings.

2. Travis Henry

Henry not only has been suspended by the NFL for substance abuse, he’s facing federal time for being the “money man” in a cocaine ring. Not that you can blame him. A lot of guys with 11 kids by 10 women go out and get a second job.

1. Calvin Murphy

There are bad fathers, and then there’s Calvin Murphy. One of the NBA’s all time pure shooters managed to fill the hole with 9 different women and produce 14 illegitimate children. But when it comes to utter depravity Cal is in the Hall of Fame by himself as he was indicted for molesting 5 of his daughters.

Keep all this in mind next time you’re mad that Dad used to make you help with the yardwork. Happy Father’s Day everyone.