So we got this reader email today:

put me up on barstool, my names chance martin jr.. Put me up because its my birthday, and how many dudes do you know named chance? Exactly. Start a new blog called its my mo fuckin birthday Friday. Yup instinct classic. Hahh

And it got me thinking about the most pathetic people on the internet. Here’s the top 5:

5. People who beg celebrities to go to prom with them:

Remember when prom the losers in school just bought stag tickets to prom and sat quietly in the corner of the room because they didn’t want to draw attention to themselves? Not anymore. Now they make YouTube videos begging Justin Beiber or tweet at Taylor Swift incessantly. Thinking that if a celebrity gives them an ounce of attention then they aren’t a total bag of shit. And every news outlet from here to Timbuktu eats it up and promotes the hell out of it. So celebrity ends up looking like a dickhead because he doesn’t want to go to prom with some pimply faced band geek who would get laughed out of the cafeteria if she asked anybody in school.

And yes I wanted to add “people who ask celebrities to go to military balls with them” to this list but I couldn’t make fun of soldiers. Just know that if they didn’t put their lives on the line for me I would totally call them nerds too.

4. “Retweet/Like this is you agree that (something everybody agrees with)”

It’s like asking your friends to laugh at your joke, or putting your hand out for a high five after everything you say. Nothing more disgusting than people with no confidence. If you need validation that badly that you’ll ask people to give it you, you also need to kill yourself badly.

3. Commenters

When I thought of this one I was actually thinking about people who comment on porn videos. Ones who talk about how hot the girl is or what they’d do to her and shit. This one should probably be number one because it’s just that sad. But the problem is i’s not public enough. It’s not on social media so you don’t look despicable in front of all your friends. Still as insane as it gets though. Mental health tests should simply be “have you ever considered commenting on a porno video?”

Oh and the reason I didn’t put “Porn commenters” is because I remembered you guys are all losers too.

2. “Vote for me in this contest you don’t care about! It takes two seconds!”

I wouldn’t vote in your contest if it took one second and your life literally depended on it. Leave me alone.

1. “Yo dude how about a follow?”

Virtual begging for friends. It’s sadder than an adult asking for an autograph from a celebrity.

 

PS – happy birthday, Chance!