True story: Today I’ve been invited to BU to take part in a seminar on online sports journalism at the College of Communications. Working for the greatest sports-smut website the world has ever known is not without its advantages. The professor who invited me has been somewhat vague, but I have every reason to think they’ll award me an honorary doctorate, probably offer me a fellowship, a full ride for both my kids… you know, everything you’d expect for a man of letters. I suspect that by the end of the day I’ll have an open invitation to all the hockey team parties and first pick of all the coeds. I think I should expect nothing less.
The only problems are: 1) I’ve never taken a journalism course in my life. 2) We didn’t have seminars at the state school I went to. Which is to say, I sure as hell never went to one. And 3) It’s been a while since I’ve been in a college classroom. So I’m rusty. But I want to be prepared. After all, I am representing the Stool and feel I owe it to Dave and the rest of the empire to make a good impression. So I’ve been brushing up the only way I know how: By memorizing things I think will come in handy like the Carpe Diem speech from “Dead Poets Society” and the “How you like them apples” bar scene from “Good Will Hunting,” since I’m sure that’s how college kids talk, right?
Anyway, for this one time I could use the comments sections help. I’ve prepared a few topics I think will be useful to educate these kids about, but I don’t want to leave a stone unturned. Here’s what I’ve got so far:
*How to turn a lifetime wasted in front of a TV into a lucrative career
*The Sex Scandal Teacher grading system explained
*Working for a pornographer
*Working with Jews
*How feminists want to make the rest of the world as miserable as they are
*How old is too old to be publicly creeping on young celebrity chicks
*The time I almost got fired for saying “Talledega Nights” is better than “Major League”
*The History of Manzo
*Belichick, Brady, Mr. Kraft & Me: A Love Story
*Explaining to your loved ones why you spend countless hours every week obsessing over your work for a soft-core porn site in order to entertain the great unwashed of degenerates, gambleaholics, frat boys, wage slaves, perverts and Massholes and how getting involved with the Stool is one of the best things you’ve ever done in your life.
What else am I missing?