With the 2012 Red Sox season finally, mercifully over this weekend, it’s clear now that this was not only the worst season they’ve ever had, all things considered. This wasn’t just a bad baseball team. It was a bad baseball team with a $170 million payroll that did the impossible: Have a perfect season. Seriously. They somehow managed, from top of the organization to the bottom, on and off the field, do everything exactly wrong. They didn’t win games. They didn’t develop new players for the future. They didn’t say the right things or act right or project the right image. They were worse than unsuccesful; they were thoroughly unlikable in everything they did. In fact, this team this season could be one of the worst runs any organization has ever had. So what the hell. Let’s look at what would’ve happened to any other enterprise run as badly as they were:
The Corleone Family
After the Godfather is shot, Sonny tells Tessio, Clemenza, Frankie Five Angels and the rest of the capos that if something happens to him, the new head of the Family “won’t be someone like Fredo” and is about to name Michael as his successor. Tom Hagen overrules him and Fredo is the new Don.
The Hulk sits out the battle against Loki’s forces with “tightness in his lat.” He’s found that day playing 27 holes of golf. When asked about it he says “Hulk only get 18 days off a year. SMASH PUNY FANS!!!” Nick Fury says he knows nothing about it but it’s not the kind of thing he wasn’t the protectors of the planet to be doing but deflects any questions about it.
Seal Team 6
A new recruit with only 2 missions under his belt insists he wants to be point man on the Bin Laden mission. Commanders give into him. The recruit proceeds to lose his aim, takes a 150 shots in which miss his target but hit 6 wives and 2 fellow Seals. Bin Laden escapes and the recruit spends the rest of the year as a mall cop.
Princess Leia questions Hans Solo’s work ethic and says he doesn’t seem to have his heart into this whole “defeating the Empire” thing. Luke is allegedly furious and says “That’s not the way we do things here.” Solo is eventually traded to Jar Jar Binks’ planet.
Fellowship of the Ring
The Fellowship sends a message to Elrond saying they’re upset with Gandalf’s leadership and demand a meeting. They deny it at first but the truth comes out. Then they blame it on Boromir saying he used Frodo’s quill to send the message but it was all really innocent and they never demanded a new wizard.
Having slinked onto a lifeboat and survived in disgrace, White Star lines chairman Bruce Ismay sends out a letter praising all the good his company did, including hiring the “friendly” Captain Edward Smith and “cheerful” ship builder Thomas Andrews. He also points out the Titanic had more monuments than any other ship at sea and encouraged people to buy commemorative bricks.
The Civil War
After his Union Army gets routed by the Confederates at Chancellorsville, President Lincoln decides it’s a good time to change the subject by paying tribute to the troops who pulled off that great come-from-behind win in the War of 1812. The next day a ceremony is held to honor the 3 best soldiers at every rank in US history.
When Harry and Ron Weasley have a fight over a Quidditch play, Dumbledore tries to intervene. And with the whole school watching, Harry tells him to piss off and waves at him to go away. The following week, Dumbledore sends Harry out to fight Voldemort 4 times in 5 days in an obvious attempt to blow his wand out.
World War II
During the D-Day landing, Gen. Eisenhower tells an interviewer he has the worst soldiers in the history of invasion forces.
Captain Kirk buys another Starship to impress his trophy wife and spends most of his time at the helm of the Enterprise putting his crew together for the other ship.
In the middle of a season where they keep insisting there’s no dissention in the locker room and everyone’s working hard to make the playoffs, the Pats trade Tom Brady, Vince Wilfork and Rob Gronkowski to Oakland for a 7th round draft pick, Jamarcus Russell old uniform, Al Davis’ mummy and 2 replacement refs. And everyone agrees the team got better.
Rebel Alliance Part II
After Obi Wan gets struck down by Darth Vader, only Chewbacca and the Droids show up at his funeral.
This season was over before it started and it still can’t end fast enough. @JerryThornton1