New ZealandA woman was partially paralyzed from a hickey that caused her to have a small stroke, the New Zealand Medical Journal said according to a media report. The 44-year-old New Zealander went to the emergency room after she found that she couldn’t move her left arm while she was watching TV, The Christchurch Press reported.  Doctors concluded that she had had a stroke but were perplexed as to why, the paper said. Then they found a “love bite” on her neck near a major artery, and discovered a clot in the artery beneath the hickey — a small vertical bruise. “Because it was a love bite there would be a lot of suction,” said Dr. Wu, who attended to the woman over a year ago at the Middlemore Hospital in Auckland, according to the paper. “Because of the physical trauma it had made a bit of bruising inside the vessel.” He added the clot traveled to the woman’s heart and caused the stroke.

It’s tough enough being the resident old guy around here without having a story like this thrown in my face.  44 is too old to get hickeys?  Since when?  As it is, KFC can’t write one of his usual ballwashing pieces about what a genius Rex Ryan is or what a great bunch of humanitarians the Jets are without calling me Old Man Thornton.  What’s going to happen once the BSSNY guys figure out that I’m at an age where a goddamned hickey could be fatal?  Not that I’m a fan of hickeys by any means.   I thought they were stupid when I was 18 and I’m not about to change my policy on that.  It’s just that if I ever do find myself banging a 44 year old Maori MILF, I’d like to think we can mark each other’s necks necks without ending up on a slab in the morgue.  Christ, it’s tough enough being less athletic than you were.  But when foreplay can kill you, life is no longer worth living.  What’s next?  Erectile dysfunction?  A heart attack in the bedroom?  Throwing my back out in the middle of doing the deed?  If you’ll pardon the intentional pun, this sucks.