student-sleeping

To this point in my life, my biggest claim to fame is winning a high school superlative. I wasn’t voted the best athlete, I didn’t have the prettiest eyes and I certainly wasn’t the best-looking senior, but there was one thing I did better than anyone else in the school: I could sleep in class like a champ. I mean, every time a teacher looked over I’d be knocked out cold. There wasn’t a narcoleptic in the world who could outsleep me.

And you know how some kids pull their hats over their eyes to hide their Z’s from the teacher? Not me. I would proudly put my head down on my desk, close my eyes and blatantly snore and drool my way through class after class. As my parents always told me, if you do something, do it all the way. I knew exactly what they meant by that — if I was going to get some sleep in class, I had better get some serious goddamn rest while I was at it. I had better settle for being nothing less than the premier sleeper in school.

I doubt my mom and dad have ever been prouder than the day I walked home from the senior class dinner with my superlative in hand and a big grin on my face. I was the Albert Pujols of snoozing. Teachers knew exactly what I was going to do but there was no way they could stop me. One of my teachers would tap me on the shoulder just to make me answer a question and then watch helplessly as I rolled back to sleep the instant I was done. I was a sleeping juggernaut.

 

 

And that’s what the Celtics were last night. They won the superlative for “Most Likely to Sleep Through an NBA Finals Game 6.” I could write until I got carpal tunnel about the Lakers putting on a clinic at both ends of the floor, but last night was all about the sleeping, snoring, drooling Celtics. They missed layups, boxed out like a bunch of John Amaechi’s (if you could even call it boxing out) and picked a pretty damn bad time to have their worst shooting game of the year (33.3% field goals). It was clear from the first quarter on that the Lakers simply wanted it more than the C’s. By the end of the first, Pau Gasol had outrebounded the entire Celtics team, Kendrick Perkins had been injured and my hyped pregame mood had done a complete 180. After that, things only got worse. On a night when the Lakers needed a win to survive and the Celtics had a one-win cushion, LA simply out-toughed, out-muscled, and out-hearted Boston. There wasn’t much else to it, besides 48 minutes of pure nightmare.

It wasn’t just the final score last night that was ugly; the entire game went about as badly as it possibly could have. If I had to make a list of things I didn’t want to see last night, it would have gone like this: 1) A Celtic starter getting injured (check). 2) The Lakers bench getting untracked and gaining confidence (check). 3) Ron Artest remembering he was once a very good offensive player (check). 4) Pau Gasol, tough guy (check). 5) Shelden Williams getting in the game (check). 6) Rajon Rondo receiving four stitches after taking an un-whistled elbow straight to the dome piece (check). 7) Kobe playing in the offensive flow rather than abandoning the triangle offense to get his (check). 8) The Celtics getting outrebounded by double digits (check), and 9) Jordan Farmar dunking on Kevin Garnett (check). About the only thing that DID go right for the Celtics was that Rasheed Wallace stayed away from his seventh technical foul and the automatic suspension that would have come with it. Yippee!

The worst part of the night (besides that it didn’t end in a Celtics championship) was clearly Perk going down. (Speaking about his status, Perk said ,”We’ll see what’s up tomorrow,” but ESPN reported a source told Chris Sheridan “he’s done,” Yahoo! reported Perk is out for Game 7, the Herald reported “the evidence doesn’t sound good to Perk’s teammates,” and the Globe reported Ray Allen “sounded like he was saying goodbye last night.” Doesn’t sound good.)

If I told you two months ago that the Celtics were going to be in an NBA Finals Game 7 and Sheed was going to play a huge role in the game, you would have 1) thrown my ass into the nearest loony bin, 2) kissed your lucky rabbit’s foot because the Celtics somehow made it to the NBA Finals, and then 3) bet your life that Sheed would miss at least five three-point attempts, get beat at least 25 times on defense and almost single-handedly blow the championship for the Celtics. But Sheed’s been a lot better since he bottomed out a couple months ago (last night not included), and the Celtics can only hope he stays that way. They’ll need his size, length, toughness and knowledge against all the Lakers’ height. But what if he gets in foul trouble? What if he throws a stinker? Big Baby can’t match up with Pau’s or Bynum’s length, Shelden Williams wouldn’t even make my high school team and Scal hasn’t gotten off the bench in a month or so. Is it too late to offer P.J. Brown a contract? Does this season really all come down to Sheed?

Perk or no Perk, the NBA season will end tomorrow. Winner takes all. Reputations, legacies and pride on the line. One team will go home to a parade with the Larry O’Brien trophy in hand, the other to an offseason of what-ifs.

The C’s 2010 campaign all boils down to Game 7, on the road, against basketball’s best closer. Two months ago, I would have sold my soul to Phil Jackson just to have this opportunity.

Now, I simply wish the season had ended yesterday.